NEW YORK (Bottom of the Fourth) - José Reyes is known as a bit of a jokester around the Mets' clubhouse, and sometimes he even makes himself laugh. Until last night, though, he had never amused himself to the point of doubling over laughing during a game.
In the fourth inning, a hard ground ball was hit to Reyes' right, and the Mets' infielder ranged deep into the hole to make a great snag. However, before he could complete the play by throwing to first base, Reyes fell over, clutching his stomach. Mets trainer Ray Ramirez rushed out, only to discover that Reyes was unhurt, and laughing uncontrollably.
After the game, Reyes explained to reporters that he hears the game broadcast as an internal monologue at all times, and when Ben Nicholson-Smith (Reyes' imaginary play-by-play man) uttered the phrase "and Walker fists the ball deep in the hole", the shortstop couldn't contain his mirth.
Reyes added that he had already been loosened up by an earlier play, when a shattered bat prompted Nicholson-Smith to quip: "wow, look out for that renegade wood!"
"Haha, deep in the hole, oh man," Reyes said, chuckling. "Walker fisted the ball... deep... in the...." At this point, Reyes fell into a fit of hysteria, prompting reporters to pack up for the day.
The Mets, for their part, have ordered Reyes to put an immediate halt to his internal monologue and have threatened selective lobotimization should he fail to comply.
Thursday, June 2, 2011
Wednesday, June 1, 2011
MLB Introduces "Going to See Coldplay List" For Players Who Need Time Off to Go See Coldplay
NEW YORK (Bottom of the Fourth) - Earlier this season, MLB unveiled two new lists by which players can briefly leave their teams without being placed on the disabled list: the paternity list and a shorter, concussion-specific disabled list. However, these weren't the only new lists MLB introduced. A whole slew of new options flew under the radar, getting dwarfed by the more noteworthy paternity and concussion lists.
Chief among them is the "Going to See Coldplay List", which allows players to leave their team for one day to see Coldplay. The team may then recall a minor league player without making a disabled list move, providing the recalled player is not also on the Coldplay trip.
Several hours after the announcement, baseball statistics website GranPhaphs posted an article analyzing players' walk-up music, and found that, not coincidentally, the Coldplay song "Viva La Vida" accounts for nearly 65% of the walk-up songs of white MLB players.
MLB spokesperson Erika Hagen said that the "Coldplay problem" has gotten out of hand in recent years, and this measure is an attempt to provide teams with a backup plan whenever Coldplay is in the area. Last year the problem reached epidemic levels when teams would regularly lose up to 40% of their active roster on nights when Coldplay was playing a concert.
Pittsburgh Pirates closer Joel Hanrahan remembers one such game with not-so-fond memories. "We lost our entire infield," Hanrahan told Bottom of the Fourth. "The whole bullpen had to play the field. When we got to the later innings, we would just bring in a reliever from somewhere on the diamond, and then when they were done pitching they'd go back into the field."
Other lists introduced along with paternity, concussion and Coldplay (along with their respective lengths) include the "Just Needs Some Time to Think List" (4 days), the "Caught in a Wikipedia Link Maze List" (3 hours) and "Really Needs To Go To The Bathroom List" (5 minutes).
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
High School Pitcher Mistakes Mock Draft For Real Draft, Moves to Aberdeen, Maryland
ABERDEEN (Bottom of the Fourth) - Dylan Bundy has been waiting his whole life to hear his name called in the MLB draft. So when he read online that the Baltimore Orioles had selected him fourth overall in this year's draft, he was so excited he packed a bag and caught the first bus to Aberdeen, Maryland, home of the Orioles' short-season A-ball affiliate the Aberdeen IronBirds.
The only problem: the draft is still a week away. Bundy mistook blogger John Sickels' recent mock draft for the real thing.
(Aside: Bottom of the Fourth is still working on several leads to figure out why there is a direct bus from Tulsa, Oklahoma to Aberdeen.)
Bundy's parents weren't too concerned when reached. "Oh, this has happened before," said Bundy's mother Peg. "One time, when he was nine or ten, he heard a news story from Australia about someone named Dylan Richardson. Not having learned what last names were, he assumed he was supposed to be in Australia, this news story somehow being about him. We've never figured out how he got into that cargo hold."
Mrs. Bundy went on to explain that the family has had to go out of their way to keep Bob Dylan tour information away from their son, lest he think he's supposed to be playing a concert for thousands of fans.
"He's not the brightest kid around," commented Dylan's father Ted, "but he's perplexingly resourceful. We can never figure out how he actually gets to these places he thinks he's supposed to go to."
Residents of Aberdeen who took in Bundy after seeing him aimlessly wandering the streets told Bottom of the Fourth that he's a "very nice kid" and that if he wants to stay there's a career in "garage cleaning-out" waiting for him.
The only problem: the draft is still a week away. Bundy mistook blogger John Sickels' recent mock draft for the real thing.
(Aside: Bottom of the Fourth is still working on several leads to figure out why there is a direct bus from Tulsa, Oklahoma to Aberdeen.)
Bundy's parents weren't too concerned when reached. "Oh, this has happened before," said Bundy's mother Peg. "One time, when he was nine or ten, he heard a news story from Australia about someone named Dylan Richardson. Not having learned what last names were, he assumed he was supposed to be in Australia, this news story somehow being about him. We've never figured out how he got into that cargo hold."
Mrs. Bundy went on to explain that the family has had to go out of their way to keep Bob Dylan tour information away from their son, lest he think he's supposed to be playing a concert for thousands of fans.
"He's not the brightest kid around," commented Dylan's father Ted, "but he's perplexingly resourceful. We can never figure out how he actually gets to these places he thinks he's supposed to go to."
Residents of Aberdeen who took in Bundy after seeing him aimlessly wandering the streets told Bottom of the Fourth that he's a "very nice kid" and that if he wants to stay there's a career in "garage cleaning-out" waiting for him.
Thursday, May 19, 2011
Chris Berman Reveals He Has Bermanitis; Can Only Speak in Bermanisms
NEW HAVEN (Bottom of the Fourth) - Sportscaster Chris Berman, famous for coining pun-based nicknames such as Bert "Be Home" Blyleven, Roberto "Remember The" Alomar and Scott "Supercalifragilisticexpiali" Brosius, announced to the press today that he has Bermanitis. It's a sad turn for the long-time baseball and football broadcaster, whose "Bermanisms" have become popular in the mainstream media.
Berman addressed the media this morning. "It's both a blessing and a curse of the jade scorpion," he told reporters at a press conference. "I love thinking up new nicknames, but now it's unavoidable market. Only time will tell whether it makes me go crazy or whether I can live with this diseasy street."
Little is known about the disease, but 9 out of 10 doctors who spoke to Bottom of the Fourth say that it affects 1 out of every 1 Chris Bermans. Apparently, it was only a matter of time before it got to this particular Chris Berman; he's into his mid-fifties, after all.
While it's a sad day for Berman and his family, it's an exciting day for science. Bermanitis was first hypothesized by the Greek physician Hippocrates, and this will be the first chance scientists have to study it. "We've been waiting for centuries for this opportunity," said Dr. Janet Lee-Evoy, a Bermanologist at the University of ESPN in Disney World. "It's one of the rare diseases we've never been able to study in mice or rats, so with Mr. Berman's consent, we'll be keeping a close eye on him in an attempt to prevent this affliction from affecting other Chris Bermans."
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
Halladay Balks at Balk Call, Opens Wormhole
PHILADELPHIA (Bottom of the Fourth) - Roy Halladay is not used to being penalized for an illegal pitching motion, being one of the most consistent and fastest-working pitchers in the game. So when the Phillies ace was called for a balk in a game Monday night against the St. Louis Cardinals, he was taken aback. So taken aback, in fact, that he balked at the call.
This sudden change in demeanour for Halladay was enough to make home plate umpire Jim Davidson balk in turn. "Halladay is like a robot," commented Davidson, "he never breaks rhythm. So when he balked at my balk call, it caused me to balk involuntarily."
Both teams could only watch in confusion and fascination as the pitcher and umpire engaged in this strange balk-off for more than 20 seconds. It only got stranger, though, as the balk energies collided halfway between the pitcher's mound and home plate, and spontaneously opened a wormhole.
Dr. Andrew Wakefield, Bottom of the Fourth's resident scientist, explained the phenomenon. "It's been theorized in the past that the bosons emitted from a balk carry enough energy to open a wormhole, but it takes two parties balking at each other to produce the interference necessary to open the wormhole, and this is the first experimental confirmation of the theory. It's a very exciting day for Balkology."
After a brief delay during which the Phillies' grounds crew attempted to clean up the wormhole only to be sucked into it (only to reappear in Busch Stadium's maintenance area, it was later discovered), the game resumed. The Phillies won 67-54 when it became clear that pitchers would have to lob their pitches over the wormhole to avoid the balls disappearing completely.
This sudden change in demeanour for Halladay was enough to make home plate umpire Jim Davidson balk in turn. "Halladay is like a robot," commented Davidson, "he never breaks rhythm. So when he balked at my balk call, it caused me to balk involuntarily."
Both teams could only watch in confusion and fascination as the pitcher and umpire engaged in this strange balk-off for more than 20 seconds. It only got stranger, though, as the balk energies collided halfway between the pitcher's mound and home plate, and spontaneously opened a wormhole.
Dr. Andrew Wakefield, Bottom of the Fourth's resident scientist, explained the phenomenon. "It's been theorized in the past that the bosons emitted from a balk carry enough energy to open a wormhole, but it takes two parties balking at each other to produce the interference necessary to open the wormhole, and this is the first experimental confirmation of the theory. It's a very exciting day for Balkology."
After a brief delay during which the Phillies' grounds crew attempted to clean up the wormhole only to be sucked into it (only to reappear in Busch Stadium's maintenance area, it was later discovered), the game resumed. The Phillies won 67-54 when it became clear that pitchers would have to lob their pitches over the wormhole to avoid the balls disappearing completely.
Monday, May 16, 2011
MLB Investigating Whether José Bautista is Actually Two Albert Pujolses in a Trenchcoat
TORONTO (Bottom of the Fourth) - After this weekend's series against Minnesota in which he hit five homers including three yesterday, José Bautista is being investigated by Major League Baseball to determine whether there's foul play involved in his torrid start to the 2011 season.
Specifically, MLB is exploring the possibility that the Blue Jays slugger is actually two Albert Pujolses, stacked on top of each other, in a trenchcoat.
MLB spokesman Dan Kricke elaborated. "It has come to our attention, from an anonymous source, that José Bautista watched Los Bribónitos (the Spanish version of The Little Rascals) when he was a kid. It's only logical that, as we all did, he would one day attempt the trenchcoat trick."
Kricke noted that in Los Bribónitos, the trenchcoat trick was used in an attempt to snitch burritos from the burrito jar on top of the fridge. It is not currently known why the characters required a disguise to accomplish such a feat, but Bottom of the Fourth is working on several leads.
To head the investigation, MLB has hired Andrew Wakefield, a renowned expert in the burgeoning field of Two Guys Stacked On Top of Each Other in a Trenchcoat-ology. "It's been well-established in our field's literature that two guys stacked on top of each other in a trenchcoat assume the abilities of both parties combined. This relationship has been scientifically verified with respect to the abilities of "height", "stature" and "tallness", and thus by induction applies to any skill."
However, Phil Plait, a leader in the equally-burgeoning field of Two Guys Stacked On Top of Each Other in a Trenchcoat Skepticism, responded to Wakefield's claims. "First of all, huh? Second, LOL. Finally, WTF?"
When prompted, Plait explained his skepticism, noting that two guys swinging two separate bats wouldn't actually produce more power, that such a person would be approximately 12 feet tall and would not go unnoticed, and that José Bautista has not actually been seen wearing a trenchcoat during baseball games.
Albert Pujols, for his part, is with Plait in his skepticism. "There's a paradox here. I hate trenchcoats, so if there are two more of me out there they wouldn't wear trenchcoats. But I guess other than that one logical inconsistency it's possible."
Specifically, MLB is exploring the possibility that the Blue Jays slugger is actually two Albert Pujolses, stacked on top of each other, in a trenchcoat.
MLB spokesman Dan Kricke elaborated. "It has come to our attention, from an anonymous source, that José Bautista watched Los Bribónitos (the Spanish version of The Little Rascals) when he was a kid. It's only logical that, as we all did, he would one day attempt the trenchcoat trick."
Kricke noted that in Los Bribónitos, the trenchcoat trick was used in an attempt to snitch burritos from the burrito jar on top of the fridge. It is not currently known why the characters required a disguise to accomplish such a feat, but Bottom of the Fourth is working on several leads.
To head the investigation, MLB has hired Andrew Wakefield, a renowned expert in the burgeoning field of Two Guys Stacked On Top of Each Other in a Trenchcoat-ology. "It's been well-established in our field's literature that two guys stacked on top of each other in a trenchcoat assume the abilities of both parties combined. This relationship has been scientifically verified with respect to the abilities of "height", "stature" and "tallness", and thus by induction applies to any skill."
However, Phil Plait, a leader in the equally-burgeoning field of Two Guys Stacked On Top of Each Other in a Trenchcoat Skepticism, responded to Wakefield's claims. "First of all, huh? Second, LOL. Finally, WTF?"
When prompted, Plait explained his skepticism, noting that two guys swinging two separate bats wouldn't actually produce more power, that such a person would be approximately 12 feet tall and would not go unnoticed, and that José Bautista has not actually been seen wearing a trenchcoat during baseball games.
Albert Pujols, for his part, is with Plait in his skepticism. "There's a paradox here. I hate trenchcoats, so if there are two more of me out there they wouldn't wear trenchcoats. But I guess other than that one logical inconsistency it's possible."
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
FanGraphs Discovers End of Statistics, Circles Back To "Games"
ARLINGTON, VA (Bottom of the Fourth) - In recent years, the baseball website FanGraphs has become a destination for cutting-edge baseball statistics and analysis. So cutting-edge, it seems based on news released this morning, that it has found the end of baseball statistics.
Founder David Appelman says he came upon the end of baseball stats accidentally while looking for his slide rule. "I checked under the bed, in the fridge, behind all my Bill James posters, but it was nowhere. So I started looking in spreadsheets, and got into some really complex non-linear weight stuff based on ZiPS projections."
Appelman says he didn't find his slide rule there, but soon completely forgot he was even looking for it. "Something caught my eye when I ran an anti-regression model on the fractal matrix of Luke Gregerson's slider", he explained. "I didn't believe it at first, but I've checked it to 99.99999% confidence. It was the end of baseball statistics, there's no doubt about it." Appelman went on to add that there was a restaurant there, and that the food was "above-average".
With the discovery, FanGraphs has decided against attempting to improve on existing statistics, as it believes such an endeavour would be fruitless. Instead, the website believes the only way to move forward is to go back to the beginning. "It's like an old-school video game," commented editor Dave Cameron, "when your dude reaches the edge of the screen, he appears on the opposite edge. We're taking that philosophy and really running with it."
The first implementation of FanGraphs' new methodology has players ranked by games played. Consequently, the title of best player in 2011 is currently a 13-way tie between Torii Hunter, Adrian Beltre, Alex Gonzalez, Michael Young, Miguel Cabrera, Dan Uggla, James Loney, Martin Prado, Howard Kendrick, Matt Kemp, Peter Bourjos, Austin Jackson and Jason Heyward.
But the team of analysts is already furiously working to push the boundaries. Despite attempts to control information flow, an anonymous source has leaked that the next statistic to appear on the site will be called either "ats" or "bats".
Founder David Appelman says he came upon the end of baseball stats accidentally while looking for his slide rule. "I checked under the bed, in the fridge, behind all my Bill James posters, but it was nowhere. So I started looking in spreadsheets, and got into some really complex non-linear weight stuff based on ZiPS projections."
Appelman says he didn't find his slide rule there, but soon completely forgot he was even looking for it. "Something caught my eye when I ran an anti-regression model on the fractal matrix of Luke Gregerson's slider", he explained. "I didn't believe it at first, but I've checked it to 99.99999% confidence. It was the end of baseball statistics, there's no doubt about it." Appelman went on to add that there was a restaurant there, and that the food was "above-average".
With the discovery, FanGraphs has decided against attempting to improve on existing statistics, as it believes such an endeavour would be fruitless. Instead, the website believes the only way to move forward is to go back to the beginning. "It's like an old-school video game," commented editor Dave Cameron, "when your dude reaches the edge of the screen, he appears on the opposite edge. We're taking that philosophy and really running with it."
The first implementation of FanGraphs' new methodology has players ranked by games played. Consequently, the title of best player in 2011 is currently a 13-way tie between Torii Hunter, Adrian Beltre, Alex Gonzalez, Michael Young, Miguel Cabrera, Dan Uggla, James Loney, Martin Prado, Howard Kendrick, Matt Kemp, Peter Bourjos, Austin Jackson and Jason Heyward.
But the team of analysts is already furiously working to push the boundaries. Despite attempts to control information flow, an anonymous source has leaked that the next statistic to appear on the site will be called either "ats" or "bats".
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