Bases empty, two outs, a 3-1 game, #8 hitter up. Nothing comes down to this.

Thursday, May 19, 2011

Chris Berman Reveals He Has Bermanitis; Can Only Speak in Bermanisms

NEW HAVEN (Bottom of the Fourth) - Sportscaster Chris Berman, famous for coining pun-based nicknames such as Bert "Be Home" Blyleven, Roberto "Remember The" Alomar and Scott "Supercalifragilisticexpiali" Brosius, announced to the press today that he has Bermanitis. It's a sad turn for the long-time baseball and football broadcaster, whose "Bermanisms" have become popular in the mainstream media. 

Berman addressed the media this morning. "It's both a blessing and a curse of the jade scorpion," he told reporters at a press conference. "I love thinking up new nicknames, but now it's unavoidable market. Only time will tell whether it makes me go crazy or whether I can live with this diseasy street."

Little is known about the disease, but 9 out of 10 doctors who spoke to Bottom of the Fourth say that it affects 1 out of every 1 Chris Bermans. Apparently, it was only a matter of time before it got to this particular Chris Berman; he's into his mid-fifties, after all. 

While it's a sad day for Berman and his family, it's an exciting day for science. Bermanitis was first hypothesized by the Greek physician Hippocrates, and this will be the first chance scientists have to study it. "We've been waiting for centuries for this opportunity," said Dr. Janet Lee-Evoy, a Bermanologist at the University of ESPN in Disney World. "It's one of the rare diseases we've never been able to study in mice or rats, so with Mr. Berman's consent, we'll be keeping a close eye on him in an attempt to prevent this affliction from affecting other Chris Bermans."

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