Bases empty, two outs, a 3-1 game, #8 hitter up. Nothing comes down to this.

Monday, May 16, 2011

MLB Investigating Whether José Bautista is Actually Two Albert Pujolses in a Trenchcoat

TORONTO (Bottom of the Fourth) - After this weekend's series against Minnesota in which he hit five homers including three yesterday, José Bautista is being investigated by Major League Baseball to determine whether there's foul play involved in his torrid start to the 2011 season.

Specifically, MLB is exploring the possibility that the Blue Jays slugger is actually two Albert Pujolses, stacked on top of each other, in a trenchcoat.

MLB spokesman Dan Kricke elaborated. "It has come to our attention, from an anonymous source, that José Bautista watched Los Bribónitos (the Spanish version of The Little Rascals) when he was a kid. It's only logical that, as we all did, he would one day attempt the trenchcoat trick."

Kricke noted that in Los Bribónitos, the trenchcoat trick was used in an attempt to snitch burritos from the burrito jar on top of the fridge. It is not currently known why the characters required a disguise to accomplish such a feat, but Bottom of the Fourth is working on several leads.

To head the investigation, MLB has hired Andrew Wakefield, a renowned expert in the burgeoning field of Two Guys Stacked On Top of Each Other in a Trenchcoat-ology. "It's been well-established in our field's literature that two guys stacked on top of each other in a trenchcoat assume the abilities of both parties combined. This relationship has been scientifically verified with respect to the abilities of "height", "stature" and "tallness", and thus by induction applies to any skill."

However, Phil Plait, a leader in the equally-burgeoning field of Two Guys Stacked On Top of Each Other in a Trenchcoat Skepticism, responded to Wakefield's claims. "First of all, huh? Second, LOL. Finally, WTF?"

When prompted, Plait explained his skepticism, noting that two guys swinging two separate bats wouldn't actually produce more power, that such a person would be approximately 12 feet tall and would not go unnoticed, and that José Bautista has not actually been seen wearing a trenchcoat during baseball games.

Albert Pujols, for his part, is with Plait in his skepticism. "There's a paradox here. I hate trenchcoats, so if there are two more of me out there they wouldn't wear trenchcoats. But I guess other than that one logical inconsistency it's possible."

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