ST. LOUIS (Bottom of the Fourth) - Desperate for some good news after a tumultuous month that has seen stars Adam Wainwright and Matt Holliday go down with injuries, the St. Louis Cardinals have made a bold move and hired Charlie Sheen to liven up the clubhouse, among other things.
The Cardinals, widely expected before the season to contend for the NL Central crown, didn't start the season the way they hoped to, dropping two of three games to the Padres this weekend. GM John Mozeliak said that Sheen will help the team to stop "losing" and start "being victorious".
Sheen's official title remains unspecified at the moment, but his responsibilities are expected to include warming up the crowd, delivering a "third-inning rant", and closing.
Some pundits have criticized the move, noting Sheen's recently-revealed unique traits don't mesh with those of the Cardinals. CNN's Leslie Bank weighed in on the topic. "It's a well-established fact that Mr. Sheen a) is a warlock and b) has tiger blood. Neither of these attributes has anything to do with a small red bird. For example, warlocks and cardinals may share the faculty of flight, but that's about where the comparison ends."
Ms. Bank went on to point out that the nature of Sheen's blood makes him better suited to a position with the Detroit Tigers. Ironically, Detroit was the disastrous first stop on Sheen's Torpedo of Truth tour, where he was unceremoniously booed off the stage.
The Cardinals plan to use Sheen's superstar status to plan new promotions for the 2011 season. The traditional "Ladies' Night" will be replaced by "Goddess' Night", at which all women attending will be entered into a draw to "spend some quality time at a super 8" with Sheen. Jimmy Wei, the Cardinals' director of promotions, expects the prize to include "a nice dinner and maybe some pool time", but notes that Sheen was "adamant about the wording" and that "ultimately, it's up to him."
Some outside observers are amused by the obvious parallels between the Cardinals and Sheen. Aramis Ramirez of the division rival Chicago Cubs spoke to the media after the announcement, calling the Cardinals and Sheen "a super-train-wreck deserving of each other". The Cubs' right-fielder elaborated, saying "okay, it's like this. First the Cardinals train crashed with another train, making a train-wreck. Then the Charlie Sheen train crashed with a fourth train, making a second train-wreck. But the train-wrecks still had momentum toward each other, and weren't too far apart, so then they crashed and made a super-train-wreck. Was that not clear? It's pretty common in the Dominican Republic."
Sheen's Torpedo of Truth Tour, which has garnered unanimously negative reviews, is expected to continue with a modified itinerary based around the Cardinals' schedule. Sheen fans are already flocking to St. Louis, and experts believe that within 48 hours the city will eclipse Los Angeles, Miami and, of course, the entire state of New Jersey, as the "Douchiest Place in America".