Jeter Opts to Let Appendix Burst, Play Through Pain

NEW YORK (Bottom of the Fourth) - Cases of appendicitis spring up a few times per year among Major League baseball players. It's a fairly minor ailment that is by definition a one-time affliction, but it does usually sideline the player for 4-6 weeks.

Unless they're named Derek Jeter. After feeling a twinge in his lower abdomen and removing himself from the Yankees' game against the Red Sox on Tuesday night, Jeter was diagnosed with the disease. However, instead of opting for surgery to remove the inflamed appendix, Jeter decided to simply "play through the pain". Sometime in the next two weeks, the Yankee captain's appendix will rupture, possibly during a game, and will likely cause severe pain and vomiting. A burst appendix also carries a not-insignificant chance of death. However, Jeter says it's "worth the risk".

"With the Red Sox caught up and the Rays nipping at our heels, we can't afford to take any time off," Jeter told reporters. "I don't care if it's a paper cut or a life-threatening illness, we've gotta keep ourselves on the field."

Dr. Andrew Wakefield, a specialist in Jeter-related Medicine, says that the captain should be able to deal with the affliction better than most. "Overlooked in this whole thing has been Derek's extremely high levels of Jetogen." Jetogen, Wakefield went on to explain, is a hormone present in nearly 90% of Derek Jeters, and carries special appendicitis-soothing properties. The scientist predicts that Jeter will experience what feels less like a "rupture" and more like a "gentle breeze".

Fan Outrage After @Yankees #FFs @RedSox

NEW YORK (Bottom of the Fourth) - When riots broke out in the Middle East this past winter, people took to Twitter to get the most-up-to-date and behind-the-scenes information. Now it seems as if Twitter has had a hand in starting its own sort of riot.

On Friday morning, the New York Yankees' official Twitter account (@Yankees) included its rival Boston Red Sox (@RedSox) in the weekly Follow Friday (#FF) tradition. The move outraged fans, leading some Twitter users to call it everything on the word-not a word spectrum from "treasonous" to "backstabby".

The Yankees tried to sneak the Red Sox between @PhilHughes65 and @Joba_62

The initial backlash was strong and cutting, and united under the #WorseThan911 hashtag. "so stupid i can't beleive this. its a disgrace to the proud yankees fans red sox are fukin dbags," tweeted @sixpacksandbeer, who started the hashtag.

Others were more composed in their criticism, especially after #WorseThan911 dropped off the trending topics list 17 seconds after the Yankees' initial tweet. "My first thought was to protect my son from such an atrocity," expounded @WBurgSteven over TwitLonger, "but after careful consideration I decided that witnessing and trying to comprehend such an abomination would be a valuable learning experience for Fletcher. It's as much a part of growing up as quinoa baby formula and Starbucks play-dates."

The Red Sox, for their part, were grateful for the inclusion. "Thanks for the shout-out @Yankees! Maybe we'll catch up to your 360k followers now! We're starving over here lol," @RedSox responded. This was followed by "Seriously tho my family is actually starving they won't pay me until we get over 100k", which was in turn succeeded by a short tweet: a single semi-colon, followed by a single front bracket.

In related news, the Red Sox have hired a new Director of Twitter and Twitter-Based Promotions.

Yankees to Feature New York Philharmonic as "Band in Residence"

NEW YORK (Bottom of the Fourth) - The New York Yankees are one of the most storied franchises in baseball history. The New York Philharmonic is the most prestigious orchestra in America. The only real surprise is that it took this long for the two to hook up.

It was announced on Sunday that the Phil will serve as Yankees "Band in Residence" during the 2011 baseball season. The orchestra will perform any and all musical duties typical to a baseball game, including playing the national anthem(s), and the seventh-inning stretch music, "Take Me Out to the Ball Game" and "God Bless 'Merica". 

Additionally, the group will take over responsibility for playing the intermittent organ noises meant to rev up the crowd. Since these snippets happen often and throughout the game, the orchestra will need to be at the ready at all times. Unfortunately, given the size of the group (50+ members), there isn't a space on the field large enough to accommodate them while the game is being played.

As a result, Yankees' Director of Stadium Operations Jesse Fine-Gagne says the members will be dispersed all around the field: behind the plate, in foul ground along the sides, and in the bullpens. In particular, trombonists, accustomed to sitting in the back and doing nothing, will join the relievers in the bullpen while violists will be strategically placed directly where the highest percentage of foul line drives are hit, because nobody likes violists.

Since this means many of the musicians will be out of sight range of the others, conductor Alan Gilbert will be broadcast on some of the stadium's video screens to coordinate all the music. While this measure ensures that the members of the orchestra will play at the same time, Yankees physicists are still working on the problem of sound delay that will be unavoidable when musicians are spread out over several hundred feet.

The philharmonic's composer-in-residence Magnus Lindberg has been hard at work arranging a suite called Baseball Sounds for Orchestra, but took time out of his busy schedule to speak with Bottom of the Fourth. And despite a 30+ year composing career, Lindberg says this is his greatest challenge to date.

"There are so many natural sounds at a baseball game," Lindberg explained, "and I want to capture all of them in my masterwork. Every guffaw, every empty peanut shell crunching underfoot, every drunk Queens asshole yelling at A-Rod. It will all be in the music. This is gonna be some John Cage shit up in this bitch."

The brass section hasn't yet figured out a solution to the obvious risk inherent in playing during a live baseball game: baseballs flying into their bells. Dr. Luke Wesley, joint professor from the departments of Athletics-Influenced Symphonic Music and Orchestral Baseball Studies at Columbia University, says it's both inevitable and dangerous. Tubists, in particular, carry a very high risk of "sudden, unexpected air flow reversal resulting from lodgement of baseball-shaped projectile in instrument", which can lead to "complications arising from spontaneous puffy-cheek".

The aspect of this radical change most anticipated by the Yankees players themselves is the live renditions of their walk-up music. In particular, Mariano Rivera, famous for entering each game along to Metallica's "Enter Sandman", is excited to see what the orchestra does with his classic theme. "I think getting those violins and oboes in there is really going to add another layer of intensity," said Rivera.

Joba Chamberlain, noted fan of classical music, is excited to see how Gilbert coordinates famous works with baseball events. "I'm thinking Thus Spake Zarathustra [the theme from 2001: A Space Odyssey] any time a Yankee pitcher gets to two strikes. Wouldn't it be awesome to strike out some asshole on the DUH DUH?"

Playoff Preview: Yankees vs. Twins

This series already has one game in the books, with the Yankees winning 6-4 yesterday, but it's still worth looking at what might happen for the rest of the series.

The first question that pops into my mind when thinking about this match-up is: what kind of twins are we dealing with here? If they're identical, that could be a huge advantage for the Minnesotans. 25 pairs of identical people would provide Minnesota with all kinds of possibilities for deception. Think about running the bases: one twin could bait the Yankees into making a play at third base, only to discover he was the decoy twin, distracting the opposition while his likeness moves from first to second. An extra base might not seem like much in some cases, but over the course of a game it can really add up.

Fraternal twins, on the other hand, wouldn't provide as much of an advantage, aside from the simple fact of having double the number of players as New York, but as non-identical twins, these extra players might not even be major league caliber players. In this case, Minnesota's best strategy would probably be to pester the provoke the Yankees until things boil over and a brawl ensues, in which case Minnesota's superior numbers may be able to put several key Yankees out of commission before the umpires break things up.

Two Franciscos Liriano would dramatically improve the Twins' chances

Of course, the third possibility that we haven't mentioned yet is the rarest of all twins: siamese. It's not at all clear how things would go down if Minnesota was comprised of conjoined players; it could be a huge benefit, if each two-man conglomerate had the strength and speed of two men, but it's not entirely clear that that's how siamese twins work. They could also be awkward, unable to coordinate, and totally useless in a batter's box or on a pitcher's mound.

Given that one game has already been played, we can make some inferences. We didn't see any siamese twins last night, so that is unlikely to be the case. However, it didn't appear that Minnesota used any of its twins in Wednesday's game, so it's impossible to tell whether we're dealing with the identical or fraternal variety.

We know what we're getting from the Yankees. A group of dedicated, down-home Americans. They'll scratch and claw if they have to, but they don't have any special advantages. They're constant underdogs in this way, but they're already up a game in this series. But things could change quickly if Minnesota starts to make its duplicity work.