Bases empty, two outs, a 3-1 game, #8 hitter up. Nothing comes down to this.

Monday, September 26, 2011

Controversial Sausage Race Leads Second Deck Fans to Demand Do-Over

MILWAUKEE (Bottom of the Fourth) - The Klement's Sausage Race has been a much-loved tradition at Milwaukee's Miller Park ever since it was introduced in 1995. But on Sunday night it took a turn for the ugly.

Fans from the second deck are demanding a do-over after their sausage (the Polish, wearing #4) tripped and fell while leading the race. The Coalition of Brewers Fans Who Usually Sit in the Second Deck, Like When We Decide to Come to the Game Anyway, however, claims it was no accident.

Grzegorz Szczepanski, a spokesman for the CBFWUSSDLWWDCGA, says that the organization has video footage clearly showing the Polish sausage being "jostled" by the Italian. "Those greasy Italians will do anything to get a leg up", fumed Szczepanski at a press conference.

Agnieszka Grabowski, the Miller Park employee who ran in the Italian costume, was taken aback by the visceral reaction. "I mean, I know Grzegorz," she told Bottom of the Fourth, "he's my great uncle on my mom's side and my third grand-niece on my dad's side. We grew up together."

The CBFWUSSDLWWDCGA announced in a press release that they are "furious, steaming, even sizzling" over the issue. They plan to file a petition and have three demands:
  1. A do-over of the race, to be held at 7 AM tomorrow morning
  2. Complementary Polish sausages for all in attendance
  3. Renaming Miller Park to "Mziller Pzarkz"
The petition currently has over 300 signatures, mostly alternate spellings of "Grzegorz Szczepanski" with varying quantities and locations of zs. This is well below Wisconsin's state minimum of 1000, at which point the petition must be considered by the state legislature. However, University of Wisconsin computer science professor Dave Stevens theorizes that the number of possible spellings, accounting for the z factor, is "on the order of millions".

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