Bases empty, two outs, a 3-1 game, #8 hitter up. Nothing comes down to this.

Monday, August 8, 2011

Blue Jays Sign 12-Week-Old Fetus

TORONTO (Bottom of the Fourth) - The Blue Jays under Alex Anthopoulos and John Farrell have made a point of trying to get "younger" and "more athletic" this season. A move announced by the club Monday morning will ensure they continue to move in the "younger" direction, at least. In a press conference, the club announced the first ever MLB signing of an unborn player, a 12-week-old unnamed fetus.

'Fete Rose', as the new signee is being called by fans and media, is said to have exceptional fast-twitch muscles for a fetus. Additionally, his growth pattern portends above-average plate discipline, according to the Blue Jays' prenatal scouting department.

Though many parties have been surprised by this announcement, none have been more so than the fetus' mother Emily Dickinson. "I didn't sign any contract," Dickinson commented to the media during a hypno-birthing class, "and I plan on fighting this thing. My lawyer says there's legal precedent for sports teams not being allowed to sign an unborn baby without the mother's consent."

Blue Jays lawyers are aware of this precedent, and plan on contesting this claim based on the fact that the fetus is young enough to not yet be considered a human being. 

According to a source within the Blue Jays' organization, the club had fetal operatives working over the last several weeks to get this deal done without other teams, or the mother, finding out their intentions. Most of their work involved preparing the womb for the embryo to enter the fetal stage, creating welcoming conditions that would be conducive to making a long-term commitment to the organization.

"We had the place decked out in Blue Jays memorabilia, we had the 92-93 DVD playing non-stop, we had a gourmet buffet available 24/7, there was no way he could resist," commented tiny scout Alan Dempsey.

Alex Anthopoulos says this was a feat of scouting the likes of which has never been seen before, and that the club needs to keep going in new, unexplored directions if it hopes to compete with the Yankees and Red Sox. Though he was characteristically mum on the club's future plans, he did finish the press conference by dropping a tantalizing hint: "I still think we can go younger."

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