MLB Completely Reshuffles Rosters After Three-Day Bender Leaves Players in Unexpected Locations

TORONTO (Bottom of the Fourth) - With games scheduled to resume this evening, MLB faced a dilemma this morning upon discovering almost none of its players were in the right cities. Rather than fretting over the difficult situation, however, the league has implemented a creative solution: rosters will be reshuffled to reflect where players currently are.

MLB Spokesman Sir Edmund Hillary spoke to the media this morning. "This seems to happen every year. No-one seems quite sure why there's always a three-day break in the baseball schedule right in the middle of the season, but players inevitably end up scattered across the country, sometimes overseas."

Surprising changes to MLB rosters include Derek Jeter joining the Boston Red Sox, Ichiro Suzuki joining the Cleveland Indians after vowing to "punch himself in the face" if he ever said he was excited about going to Cleveland, and the 90 or so best players in baseball becoming the newest members of the Arizona Diamondbacks.

In addition, some new teams will have to be formed, while others will be contracted. The aforementioned Diamondbacks will be split into three squads: "The New Diamondbacks", "The Diamondbacks Strike Back", and "Return of the Diamondbacks". Las Vegas will also boast three teams after discovering dozens of MLB players passed out in its suites, and the Spanish island Ibiza will become the first MLB team to play its home games outside of North America.

The Cincinnati Reds, on the other hand, will no longer cease to exist despite being one of baseball's oldest teams. The city woke up on Thursday morning with only three members of its current team still in the city: relief pitchers Sam LeCure, Logan Ondrusek and Nick Masset were discovered at early morning service at Cincinnati Central United Church.