Dear Adrian Beltre,
I've heard you aren't happy with the contracts you've been offered this off-season. And you deserve to ask for a lot of money! You were one of the three best third basemen in baseball last year, along with Evan Longoria and Ryan Zimmerman. Now you've watched Jayson Werth, Carl Crawford and Cliff Lee sign nine-figure contracts in recent weeks, and you're wondering where yours is. Well, I don't blame you!
I do, however, think you can be a little more creative with your demands. I understand that your agent, Scott Boras, is widely regarded as one of the best in the game in terms of getting his clients big money, but even Scott Boras has his faults. I know it can be hard to say goodbye, but I believe that leaving Boras and signing with Bottom of the Fourth Enterprises is in your best interest.
Let me explain why.
Adrian Beltre, you are known to be an extreme contract-year player. Your two best years, by far, have been in years in which you were about to become a free agent. So our plan is to find a contract that simulates those conditions at all times. But a baseball season is long enough that even one year has its ups and downs. So, in order to put you in the contract year mindset all the time, we need to think shorter-term.
Imagine it. In order to play tomorrow, you need to perform tonight. Whatever triggers your psyche to perform at maximum efficiency over the course of a contract year will go into overdrive. You'll hit a homer every night, because you'll have to, just to get a job the next day.
You know how many homers that is over the course of a year? Like, a billion.
And you can extrapolate that to other stats, too. If you're getting two hits per night, driving in three, making a couple of highlight-reel diving catches - because, once again, the pressure is on you to do those things every night, just to stay above the poverty line - imagine the kind of season you could have. You'll break records. All the records.
Plus, think of the freedom of travel. Want to check out that Brokencyde concert in Jersey City tomorrow night? Play a game for the Mets. The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn having its red-carpet premiere? Sign with the Dodgers for a day. Can't miss being in the audience of the last-ever episode of Oprah? Get in touch with the Cubs. Hey, we all have to make compromises sometimes.
And hey, wouldn't a little vacation be nice? An MLB season is six months long, with about 20 days off. Total. Your average 9-5er gets about 50 days of weekends in that span, plus holidays, PLUS vacation days. MLB players are basically child slave labourers in Myanmar. They're pretty much the same, really.
Now, you might be worried that MLB wouldn't allow shenanigans like this. But they don't have a leg to stand on. You know why? It's happened before. Nomar Garciaparra did it. Jeff Conine did it. J.T. Snow did it. I'm no lawyer, but I see no difference between those deals and what I'm proposing here. Absolutely none.
So let me know, Adrian Beltre. I'm at your service. If you like what I'm suggesting, then leave your Tumblr in the comments and we'll figure things out from there.
President, Bottom of the Fourth Enterprises