Bases empty, two outs, a 3-1 game, #8 hitter up. Nothing comes down to this.

Thursday, December 9, 2010

Offseason Check-in: Tim Stauffer

In this feature, Bottom of the Fourth checks in with various MLB players to see what they're up to during the off-season. Today we spoke to Tim Stauffer, a pitcher with the San Diego Padres.

Bottom of the Fourth: Tim, thanks for taking the time to speak with us. So, the obvious question, given the nature of the series: what have you been doing for the last couple months?

Tim Stauffer: Great news, Xave! I got engaged!

BotF: Wow, congratulations! Have you set a date?

Tim: Actually, Rebecca and I aren't really into the traditional lavish wedding, we just want to tie the knot as soon as we can. Unfortunately, it seems like every time we try to get it done, something comes up.

BotF: Like what?

Tim: Like, we were gonna head down to city hall and do it the other day, but then I remembered I'd promised to paint my Aunt Polly's fence.

BotF: That seems like a pretty insubstantial reason to not get married. Couldn't you just paint the fence the next day?

Stauffer: Hoo boy, let me tell you about the next day. My buddy Randy and I (that's Randy Winn, former Giant and Yankee among others), we went down to the graveyard because Ruck, that's what I call Randy, he tore his ACL last year, and he thought he knew how to fix it, but he says he needed to be surrounded by the "spirit of the dead" or some'n. But we never got to test that out because when Ruck and I got there to the graveyard we saw a murder!

BotF: What??! Did you tell the police?

Stauffer: No sir, Ruck and I swore a creatine promise not to tell nobody, never.

Well, shit.

BotF: Well, there's no going back now, might as well spill the details. Do you know who the killer and the victim were?

Stauffer: I sure do, it was Joe Smith (of the Cleveland Indians) what done the deed, he took the life of Doc Robinson (that's Frank Robinson, hall of fame outfielder who never actually went by 'Doc'). I seen it with my own two eyes. But I know this, Indian Joe ain't gonna admit to nothin', he's gonna blame his teammate, "Muff" Shin-Soo Choo, 'cause Chooey is a drunk an' he ain't know no better.

BotF: Tim, I really think you should go tell the police about this, this is serious business. Come back and re-visit with us when this whole situation gets sorted out.

Stauffer: Thank ye kindly for yer time, sir.

Bottom of the Fourth would like to thank Tim Stauffer for his time, and the first ever real-life murder story ever broken on this website.

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