TORONTO (Bottom of the Fourth) - With games scheduled to resume this evening, MLB faced a dilemma this morning upon discovering almost none of its players were in the right cities. Rather than fretting over the difficult situation, however, the league has implemented a creative solution: rosters will be reshuffled to reflect where players currently are.
MLB Spokesman Sir Edmund Hillary spoke to the media this morning. "This seems to happen every year. No-one seems quite sure why there's always a three-day break in the baseball schedule right in the middle of the season, but players inevitably end up scattered across the country, sometimes overseas."
Surprising changes to MLB rosters include Derek Jeter joining the Boston Red Sox, Ichiro Suzuki joining the Cleveland Indians after vowing to "punch himself in the face" if he ever said he was excited about going to Cleveland, and the 90 or so best players in baseball becoming the newest members of the Arizona Diamondbacks.
In addition, some new teams will have to be formed, while others will be contracted. The aforementioned Diamondbacks will be split into three squads: "The New Diamondbacks", "The Diamondbacks Strike Back", and "Return of the Diamondbacks". Las Vegas will also boast three teams after discovering dozens of MLB players passed out in its suites, and the Spanish island Ibiza will become the first MLB team to play its home games outside of North America.
The Cincinnati Reds, on the other hand, will no longer cease to exist despite being one of baseball's oldest teams. The city woke up on Thursday morning with only three members of its current team still in the city: relief pitchers Sam LeCure, Logan Ondrusek and Nick Masset were discovered at early morning service at Cincinnati Central United Church.
Thursday, July 14, 2011
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
Washington to Make Mid-Pitch Pitching Changes to Accommodate Size of All-Star Roster
PHOENIX (Bottom of the Fourth) - The size of baseball's All-Star Roster is a constant source of derision from the media, as it annually seems as if the entirety of Major League Baseball is part of the game. But while fans and the media may get amusement out of the event's shortcomings, AL manager Ron Washington gets a bit of a headache.
Washington told reporters this morning that he's been devising an All-Star Game strategy for days, and just last night had the breakthrough that will allow him to utilize all his players. His solution: mid-pitch pitching changes.
Washington says he had the breakthrough while in his 'chalking room'. "As a player, I put chalk on my hands to get a better grip on the ball," Washington explained, "and as a manager I've kept up the habit. A little chalk now and then helps me think."
Bringing in relief pitchers to face just a single batter is a strategy often employed in regular season games to gain a marginal advantage, but Washington said this wouldn't allow him to use all the pitchers on his roster. Rather, he'll make pitching changes mid-pitch: one pitcher will go into the windup, only to be replaced by a second pitcher who will follow through and throw the pitch. Washington is not ruling out making a second mid-pitch pitching change after the pitch, inserting a third pitcher to field.
The Texas Rangers' manager says that in addition to allowing him to maximize his roster utility, the strategy has the advantage of confusing batters. They could be getting set to hit off a right-handed pitcher, only to suddenly see a lefty spinning a breaking ball in on their hands at the last moment.
Once Washington had this mental breakthrough, he says his plan for using all his hitters came naturally. Mid-pitch pinch hitters will also carry the added benefit of enabling Washington to match hitters with pitch types. Once a pitch has been identified as a slider, for example, Washington can pinch-hit with a batter who is often successful against sliders before the pitch reaches the plate.
Washington speculated to the media that in order to use all his players, he'll be making some managerial move, often more than one, during about 80% of the pitches thrown during tonight's game.
Washington told reporters this morning that he's been devising an All-Star Game strategy for days, and just last night had the breakthrough that will allow him to utilize all his players. His solution: mid-pitch pitching changes.
Washington says he had the breakthrough while in his 'chalking room'. "As a player, I put chalk on my hands to get a better grip on the ball," Washington explained, "and as a manager I've kept up the habit. A little chalk now and then helps me think."
Bringing in relief pitchers to face just a single batter is a strategy often employed in regular season games to gain a marginal advantage, but Washington said this wouldn't allow him to use all the pitchers on his roster. Rather, he'll make pitching changes mid-pitch: one pitcher will go into the windup, only to be replaced by a second pitcher who will follow through and throw the pitch. Washington is not ruling out making a second mid-pitch pitching change after the pitch, inserting a third pitcher to field.
The Texas Rangers' manager says that in addition to allowing him to maximize his roster utility, the strategy has the advantage of confusing batters. They could be getting set to hit off a right-handed pitcher, only to suddenly see a lefty spinning a breaking ball in on their hands at the last moment.
Once Washington had this mental breakthrough, he says his plan for using all his hitters came naturally. Mid-pitch pinch hitters will also carry the added benefit of enabling Washington to match hitters with pitch types. Once a pitch has been identified as a slider, for example, Washington can pinch-hit with a batter who is often successful against sliders before the pitch reaches the plate.
Washington speculated to the media that in order to use all his players, he'll be making some managerial move, often more than one, during about 80% of the pitches thrown during tonight's game.
Monday, July 11, 2011
MLB Agrees to Let Players "Hang" on Sidelines at HR Derby; "Chilling" Still on the Table
PHOENIX (Bottom of the Fourth) - Amid labour strife in both the NFL and NBA, MLB has had to scramble to resolve its own dispute at the last minute. The league was surprised to receive word this morning that the players were demanding "chilling" rights for tonight's Home Run Derby, a significant increase from last year's "maxin' and relaxin'" clause.
MLB Spokesman Stuart Dawson said the demand "blindsided" the league and that the players' demands were "outrageous". However, a "power-negosh" this afternoon brought the two sides to a tentative agreement. The players assented to the somewhat less extreme "hanging" privilege when the league threatened to curtail "players' kids wearing matching uniforms" rights to "kids of cuteness quotient 5 or less".
While most players are satisfied with the arrangement, a few stalwarts are still pushing for "chilling". Alex Avila, Tigers catcher and first-time All-Star, wants to make the most of his first selection to the team, and claims he won't be able to do so without the ability to "chill".
"It's been my dream since I was four years old to chill at the Home Run Derby," Avila told reporters Monday, "and I just can't believe MLB would be so heartless as to crush players' dreams so unnecessarily."
Stuart Dawson, meanwhile, disagrees wholeheartedly with Avila. "This is by no means an unnecessary, cruel decision. If MLB allowed the players to "chill" it's just a matter of time before they'd be "loafing", and before you know it "sloth" would set in. We can't have our players setting such bad examples for the kids out there. It's simply a non-starter."
MLB Spokesman Stuart Dawson said the demand "blindsided" the league and that the players' demands were "outrageous". However, a "power-negosh" this afternoon brought the two sides to a tentative agreement. The players assented to the somewhat less extreme "hanging" privilege when the league threatened to curtail "players' kids wearing matching uniforms" rights to "kids of cuteness quotient 5 or less".
While most players are satisfied with the arrangement, a few stalwarts are still pushing for "chilling". Alex Avila, Tigers catcher and first-time All-Star, wants to make the most of his first selection to the team, and claims he won't be able to do so without the ability to "chill".
"It's been my dream since I was four years old to chill at the Home Run Derby," Avila told reporters Monday, "and I just can't believe MLB would be so heartless as to crush players' dreams so unnecessarily."
Stuart Dawson, meanwhile, disagrees wholeheartedly with Avila. "This is by no means an unnecessary, cruel decision. If MLB allowed the players to "chill" it's just a matter of time before they'd be "loafing", and before you know it "sloth" would set in. We can't have our players setting such bad examples for the kids out there. It's simply a non-starter."
Monday, June 27, 2011
Alex Anthopoulos: The Song
We (I) here at Bottom of the Fourth are (am) a big fan of Alex Anthopoulos, the young general manager of the Toronto Blue Jays. So we (I) made a superhero song about him! Enjoy.
Friday, June 24, 2011
Mármol Backpedals, Says He "Loves" Slider, Is Not "In Love" With Slider
CHICAGO (Bottom of the Fourth) - It seems the honeymoon is over for Carlos Mármol and his slider. The Chicago Cubs' closer, who recently admitted to the media that he was "in love" with his slider, retracted those sentiments in a statement Friday morning.
"Ned and I, well, I think we got caught up in the moment," Mármol intimated to reporters at a press conference, "and things were said that may have been a little... premature."
Further questioning revealed that "Ned" is Mármol's name for his slider.
Mármol insisted that he still "loves" Ned, in the same way he loves his sister or Nabisco Black Pepper and Olive Oil Triscuits. But he's having second thoughts on whether he wants to be in an intimate relationship with the pitch.
Attempts to contact Mármol's slider Ned went mostly unanswered, though Ned's agent finally put out a press release this afternoon. It read: "Ned would like to thank everyone for their concern, but wishes to be left in private during this difficult time. He is still struggling with his emotions and would like peace and quiet to recover from this trauma. Further, Ned would like to vehemently deny any rumours that may be circulating that he is involved romantically with Carlos' fastball Alan."
While most of the reaction to the news has been supportive of Mármol and his slider through this difficult time, National League hitters on teams other than the Cubs and pitcher-pitch marriage counseling specialists are among those happy about the situation.
(Thanks to Texas Leaguers for the slider chart.)
"Ned and I, well, I think we got caught up in the moment," Mármol intimated to reporters at a press conference, "and things were said that may have been a little... premature."
Further questioning revealed that "Ned" is Mármol's name for his slider.
Mármol insisted that he still "loves" Ned, in the same way he loves his sister or Nabisco Black Pepper and Olive Oil Triscuits. But he's having second thoughts on whether he wants to be in an intimate relationship with the pitch.
 |
| Mármol is now on the outside looking into the heart in which he was once fully immersed |
Attempts to contact Mármol's slider Ned went mostly unanswered, though Ned's agent finally put out a press release this afternoon. It read: "Ned would like to thank everyone for their concern, but wishes to be left in private during this difficult time. He is still struggling with his emotions and would like peace and quiet to recover from this trauma. Further, Ned would like to vehemently deny any rumours that may be circulating that he is involved romantically with Carlos' fastball Alan."
While most of the reaction to the news has been supportive of Mármol and his slider through this difficult time, National League hitters on teams other than the Cubs and pitcher-pitch marriage counseling specialists are among those happy about the situation.
(Thanks to Texas Leaguers for the slider chart.)
Thursday, June 23, 2011
Graph Infection: Distance From Kansas City
Today's graph is a map-based infographic showing the distance from Kansas City to all other Major League cities. The distance is shown by the colour of the arrows, where the colour is based on RGB values. The formulas for these values are given by:
where dist is the distance from the given city to Kansas City. The constants are shown below:
Given all the above, presented next is a set of instructions on how to use the maphographic. First, eyeball the RGB values of the desired arrow. Next, re-arrange the three colour formulas to isolate the variable dist. Input the constants given above, and solve for dist. Voila: now you can easily find the distance from Kansas City to any other city with a Major League Baseball team in just a few simple steps. Feel free to pass this handy tool along!
Note: Toronto's arrow colour is based on kilometres, and is therefore darker than one would expect for an American city with a similar distance.
 |
| Click to embiggen |
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
Ichiro Disciplined By Mariners After Tweeting During Diving Catch
SEATTLE (Bottom of the Fourth) - Is there anything Ichiro Suzuki can't do? Widely considered one of the most exciting players in baseball since bursting on to the scene in 2001, the Mariners superstar has outdone himself once again, this time establishing a Major League Baseball first by tweeting during a diving catch.
The right-fielder ranged into the right-centre gap during the play in question. Replay later confirmed that he composed the tweet blind while sprinting toward the ball, and sent it off just as he was going into his dive. The tweet itself read "Check this out!!!!!! #sickcatch", as shown below.
It should be noted that Ichiro was not actually a member of Twitter prior to this tweet. Therefore, it seems that in addition to composing and sending a tweet while tracking down a fly ball, Ichiro had to create an entire account in the time it took to run from his spot in the outfield to the eventual site of his catch. It is not currently known how the Japanese star was able to complete the reCAPTCHA required as part of Twitter's registration while keeping his eyes on the ball.
Despite the fact that he made the catch, the Mariners are not happy with Ichiro's actions. The team believes he's "setting a bad example" for the younger Seattle players like Justin Smoak and Michael Pineda who "have never known a world without Twitter", according to team spokesman Ben Golden. "If this keeps up, the youth of our team soon won't be able to distinguish between reality and Twitrality", said Golden.
The aforementioned inability to distinguish between reality and Twitrality is condition well-documented to not be real, based on the scientifically-established fact that Twitrality is not a thing.
Regardless, the team has suspended Ichiro's Twitter privileges until such time as he has completed a Twitter Sensitivity Training course. Ichiro reacted to the news by twtng: "scks tht cn't twt ntl fnsh ths crs, bt fllw m n Twttr fr ll th ltst chr nws!!!"
Ichiro will be joined in the sensitivity training course by White Sox manager Ozzie Guillen, who recently tweeted, while making a double-switch, that Latinos are underrepresented on Twitter.
The right-fielder ranged into the right-centre gap during the play in question. Replay later confirmed that he composed the tweet blind while sprinting toward the ball, and sent it off just as he was going into his dive. The tweet itself read "Check this out!!!!!! #sickcatch", as shown below.
 |
| Ichiro tweeted the message milliseconds before making the catch |
It should be noted that Ichiro was not actually a member of Twitter prior to this tweet. Therefore, it seems that in addition to composing and sending a tweet while tracking down a fly ball, Ichiro had to create an entire account in the time it took to run from his spot in the outfield to the eventual site of his catch. It is not currently known how the Japanese star was able to complete the reCAPTCHA required as part of Twitter's registration while keeping his eyes on the ball.
Despite the fact that he made the catch, the Mariners are not happy with Ichiro's actions. The team believes he's "setting a bad example" for the younger Seattle players like Justin Smoak and Michael Pineda who "have never known a world without Twitter", according to team spokesman Ben Golden. "If this keeps up, the youth of our team soon won't be able to distinguish between reality and Twitrality", said Golden.
The aforementioned inability to distinguish between reality and Twitrality is condition well-documented to not be real, based on the scientifically-established fact that Twitrality is not a thing.
Regardless, the team has suspended Ichiro's Twitter privileges until such time as he has completed a Twitter Sensitivity Training course. Ichiro reacted to the news by twtng: "scks tht cn't twt ntl fnsh ths crs, bt fllw m n Twttr fr ll th ltst chr nws!!!"
Ichiro will be joined in the sensitivity training course by White Sox manager Ozzie Guillen, who recently tweeted, while making a double-switch, that Latinos are underrepresented on Twitter.
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