Playoff Preview: Rangers vs. Rays

MLB's post-season begins on Wednesday, and over the course of the next couple days, Bottom of the Fourth will be previewing each of the four series' to be played. First up: the Texas Rangers square off against the Tampa Bay Rays, first pitch Wednesday at 1:30 PM ET.

The Tampa Bay Rays are a very different team than they were several years ago. Before 2008, teams trembled at the thought of playing in Tampa, as the Devil Rays' mastery of the water made them a formidable opponent. In the American League, only the Seattle Mariners stood a chance of beating the D-Rays at home, but even they are not water creatures, strictly speaking; they just have a little more experience asea than teams like the Detroit Tigers or Baltimore Orioles. The Florida Marlins and especially Pittsburgh Pirates had success against Tampa during this time, but being in the National League, rarely had the opportunity.

On the other hand, from the Devil Rays' inception in 1998 until 2007, Tampa Bay was an atrocious team on the road. Opposing teams, wishing to gain a competitive advantage, never provided tanks ample enough to house the Rays, and they ended up just flopping around, not doing much of anything, for the entirety of the two, three or four game series.

That all changed in 2008, when the Rays dropped the "Devil" from their name and changed their logo to a different kind of ray: a sunbeam. Now, the Rays are very hard to beat, whether at home or on the road; they're all around, always on the offensive, and when one gets stifled, it isn't long before his teammates poke their heads out so fast and from so many different directions it's impossible to stop them all at once.

The best defense against the new-look Rays is a broad, all-encompassing cloud cover. Unfortunately, Texas doesn't see too many of those, so the series will be a difficult one for the Arlington boys.

That isn't to say Texas doesn't have a prayer. Far from it, in fact. The Rangers have plenty of firepower of their own. Each one carries a Sig Sauer .357 at all times, and knows how to use it. The question of how to fire at a sunbeam is a tricky one, but Texas has figured out ways to do it all season long against equally tough opponents: Blue Jays, Twins, even Angels.

Look for Texas pitchers to blow blazing fastballs past Rays hitters. After all, how do you stop a speeding bullet? The Rays will try to throw Texas off their game with their multi-directional deception, but if the Rangers can maintain focus there isn't much that can stop them. Plus, Texas has a secret weapon, a hotshot prospect called up just two days ago in preparation for the post-season. Nobody knows exactly what he's capable of, because the hazy, third-hand stories floating up from the minor leagues range from fantastic to simply unbelievable. But if he's even half as good as they say, the Rays don't stand a chance.

Giants Win to Avoid Bizarre Three-Way Game

The 2010 season of Major League Baseball wrapped up yesterday in dramatic fashion. The NL West and Wildcard crowns came down to the last day, with the Atlanta Braves, San Francisco Giants and San Diego Padres fighting for the two spots.

Early in the day, Atlanta put themselves in a good position by holding off the Phillies 8-7. That set up the battle of the Sans in the afternoon. A San Francisco win meant San Francisco would advance, leaving the Padres, one of the biggest surprises of 2010, a game short of the playoffs.

A Padres win, on the other hand, would lead to one of the most fascinating scenarios in baseball history: a three-way tie for two playoff spots. This result would invoke a rarely-used, little-known rule from the depths of baseball's tome of laws: the three-way game, known officially as the "Ti3br3ak3r".

Though San Francisco did in fact win Sunday's contest, allowing the Giants and Braves to advance to the playoffs while forcing the Padres to an earlier-than-expected golf season, the Ti3br3ak3r has been on people's lips every since it became clear that it might happen. However, being so rarely used, the average fan knows very little about this phenomenon. Bottom of the Fourth has dug into baseball's intricate maze of rules and regulations and today presents what can only be described as an educational feature, a profile of the mysterious Ti3br3ak3r.

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The Ti3br3ak3r's roots go back to 1948 and the American League pennant race. It was a very close race that is famous for featuring the first ever one-game playoff in the American League, between the Cleveland Indians and Boston Red Sox. What is often forgotten is that the New York Yankees were very much in that race, ending the season only two games back. Sensing the possibility of a three-way tie, baseball scrambled to implement a fail-safe in case this situation occurred.

The original Threesome, as it was called then, was to be a simple rotation on a regular field. Team A would pitch to team B, who would pitch to team C, who would pitch to team A. The standard nine innings would be played, with a top, middle and bottom. The team with the most runs won, and if two or all three teams were tied after nine innings, extra innings would proceed normally. In the case of a two-way tie, the non-tied team would drop out after nine innings.

However, the game was never played in this incarnation, and has been modified many times as the game changed. The Ti3br3ak3r is now much more complicated, and features a modified field, among other strange alterations.

The basic premise of the current Ti3br3ak3r stems from its modified field, as shown in the diagram below.

A diagram of the modified field used for the Ti3br3ak3r

In this setup, team A patrols the field while teams B and C bat simultaneously from opposite diamonds. The pitching team uses two pitchers, catchers, and sets of infielders, because of the two infields. The average major league team generally doesn't carry two complete infields, but recall that the Ti3br3ak3r would only take place as a September tiebreaker, when rosters have been expanded.

The defending team may only use three outfielders - a right/left fielder, a left/right fielder, and a center fielder - who must pay attention to both batters simultaneously. It's entirely possible that an outfielder would have two balls hit in their direction at the same time, and in the extremely rare circumstance, might even be able to make a Doublecatch. If an umpire judges the two balls to have been caught in the same instant by the same fielder, the defending team is awarded two extra outs (one per offensive side) that they may apply at any point later in the game.

It should be noted that home runs would become rarer in the Ti3br3ak3r, because the home run fence only exists along the flat sides connecting the two fields, requiring hitters to pull the ball at exactly the right angle, or give the ball a large amount of spin, just to hit one over the fence. However, triples and inside-the-park home runs would be much more common given the possibility of a ball rolling all the way to the opposite infield.

In such a case, if a batter hits a fly ball over the outfielders' heads, it may be tempting for the opposite infielders to catch the ball. However, this is strictly prohibited - the outfielders are the only defenders allowed to participate in both sides of the game. Any contact by an infielder with the wrong ball results in a two-base error. This can be particularly confusing in the case when both balls end up in play in the same infield, forcing fielders to pay close attention to which ball is which.

The potential for complicated strategical decisions exists in the Ti3br3ak3r, especially if it took place in the National League. The "Double Double Switch" could occur if a manager simultaneously replaced both his pitchers, and at the same time modified his extended 15-man batting order by replacing two fielders, not necessarily from opposite infields, with players off the bench. Because of the possible complexity of this type of situation, the Ti3br3ak3r calls for a special lineup-only umpire, to be seated at a desk in the exact middle of center field between the two diamonds. The center fielder must be acutely aware of this hazard in order to avoid injury when going back on a fly ball.

However, this isn't the only obstacle the outfielders must face. Because of the lack of a home run fence, the rulebook calls for bullpen pitchers to "just hang out" somewhere in the outfield. When it comes time to warm up, this must also be done at a spot of their choosing in the outfield.

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Of course, the question naturally arises: where would such a game be played, given that no major league ballparks are equipped for an expanded layout such as this? As it turns out, one Double Stadium already exists: in Las Vegas. Sin City has been trying to get a professional sports team for years, and as a show of faith to MLB in hopes of returned goodwill, built this insurance-policy stadium more than 15 years ago. When not in use for the Ti3br3ak3r (as it never has been), the "Las Vegas Bipark" doubles as the city's primary poker chip storage facility, and recent estimates put the stadium at 80% full with stacks of the small disks, meaning any Ti3br3ak3r would require a tremendous amount of work on the part of the stadium crew. Luckily, they've survived another year without having to deal with this problem.

The Ti3br3ak3r may have found inspiration in 4-way chess

The Ti3br3ak3r follows in the footsteps of other modified versions of games, such as four-player chess, 3-D hockey (in which a gravitationally modified cube allows players to skate on the inside of each face), and Duelling Darts. Here's hoping that one day we'll actually see the game played.

The Jays' Managerial Search

Cito Gaston managed his last home game as a Blue Jay two nights ago, and was sent off in style; who was the last manager to receive a portrait of themselves painted by Vernon Wells' dad as a parting gift? But soon Cito's final season will be officially over and it will be time for the Blue Jays to start looking for their next manager.

According to a September 1 report by ESPN's Jerry Crasnick, Jays GM Alex Anthopoulos put together an initial list of some 200 odd names as candidates to replace Gaston next year. This isn't much of a surprise; if we've learned anything during AA's first year as GM, it's that he is an absolute workaholic. The guy was talking trades while on his honeymoon, for god's sake.

The list has been culled to a much more reasonable size by now, of course, and the organization will only interview a handful of top candidates in the search for their Manager of the Future, but that doesn't stop us from profiling some of those initial candidates who didn't make the first cut. Today, Bottom of the Fourth brings you three stories of people who caught Alex Anthopoulos' eye enough to be filed away in his Rolodex.

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Yoslan González has apparently been managing in Cuba for more than 30 years. Nothing about his supposed managerial career can be confirmed, however, because of the tedious relationship between Cuba and the United States. Cuban baseball players wishing to play in the major leagues face the ominous task of defecting from their home country, a complicated endeavour that often leaves them penniless and lost when they finally make it out, only to discover, in many cases, they're not good enough for the major leagues.

So it's not surprising that what little is known about González tends to sound a little exaggerated.

"I heard he once managed 60 straight hours," said one scout, "the government ordered a 60 hour baseball game in honour of Castro's 60th birthday (placing the game in 1986). They kept bringing in replacement players every couple hours, but Yoslan stuck it out for the whole game. Some say he made more than 100 pitching changes, and more than half of them were double switches. If that isn't a testament to his managerial abilities, I don't know what is."

More details were provided by Cuban pitcher Orlando "El Duque" Hernandez, a nine-year veteran of the major leagues. "My little brother played for Yos. They never lost a game. The other teams pulled all these crazy stunts, because you know in Cuba there no rules man. They put 6 guys in the outfield. They pitched from 45 feet. One time, they steal all the bats from my brother's team 30 minutes before the game. They had to use sticks they found around the ballpark. So Yos get up and he make this speech, man, and he motivate the players so much they hit 8 home runs and won 15-1. But it wasn't the players who hit those home runs with those sticks. It was Yos' speech, man."

Research into the life of this allegedly famous Cuban turned up nothing. No news stories, no birth records. Nada. It's not entirely clear the man even exists. Neither Hernandez nor the aforementioned scout have ever seen him in person. But that doesn't dissuade El Duque of his existence. "Sure, maybe I never seen him. But we have a saying in Cuba. In English it's something like "if someone say something happened, it happened."

"The very fact that so little is known about him is what makes him intriguing," said Anthopoulos. "He could be the Aroldis Chapman of managing. He could come over here and suddenly be managing at 105 MPH. It's always a risk banking on unknown quantities, but it's often a very profitable risk."

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Erika Thompson is a partner at a distinguished law firm in downtown Toronto. Erika is a self-made woman; she paid her way through a political science degree, then got a free ride through Osgoode Hall Law School (York University's law school) by virtue of being consistently at the top of her class. She got one of the more prestigious articling positions while a student, and has stayed with the same firm ever since, working her way up the ladder until finally making partner.

In court, Thompson is something to behold. She oozes confidence. She commands a courtroom. When she speaks, people listen. Her name has been brought up numerous times as one of the "rising stars of Canadian law", and she's been mentioned as a possible future Attorney-General.

So it's no surprise that when Alex Anthopoulos encountered Erika Thompson in a Quizno's, he was floored. "She ordered a Pesto Turkey Toasty Torpedo," he said slowly, his eyes glazed over, clearly reminiscing about the incident. "First of all, great sandwich. But the way she said it..." Anthopoulos trailed off and paused for ten seconds before starting again. "Anyone who can order a sandwich like that can manage a baseball team. I don't care what experience she has. She's got it."

When contacted, Thompson was bewildered. "I have no interest in baseball," she said. "I've been to two games in my life, and those were to entertain clients. I hardly play sports. I play squash twice a week, that's it. Growing up, I played piano and went to geography competitions. I didn't play sports. And I've never heard of Alex Anthem... what? Anthopoulos, yeah."

Anthopoulos brushed these comments aside. "She didn't make our first cut for a number of reasons, but if she had, she would have wanted the job like nothing she's ever wanted before. Not even a Pesto Turkey Toasty Torpedo. I would have made her. I'm Alex Anthopoulos, bitch."

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When Matt Chapman was a boy, he always wanted a dog. While other kids played on the swings and slides and see-saws, Matt would sit in the grass and watch the dogs frolic about, playing frisbee, chasing other dogs, and barking so exuberantly Matt thought they were laughing, laughing with joy. The joy of the carefree life of being a dog.

When Matt was nine years old he came home from a particularly difficult day of school and immediately burst into tears. "Matt, sweetie, what happened?" cried his mother. Matt told her about scraping his knee at recess while playing baseball, about the other kids teasing him for crying even though it was purely instinctual, he couldn't help it, about how he kept thinking about it in class to the point that he got in trouble for not paying attention and missed afternoon recess, which only made it worse because the other kids thought he was hiding and being a coward and crying more. His mother comforted him as only as a mother can. She dropped everything and made Matt his favourite food, Kraft Dinner with chopped-up hot dogs, purple Kool-aid, and chocolate ice cream for dessert. Matt's mother tried to keep a healthy diet in the house, but she also understood that there was a time and a place to throw all that out the window. Matt loved his mom.

Matt was cheered so much by the delicious dinner that he forgot all about what happened at school. He also didn't even notice that his father hadn't made it home for dinner, which he usually did. So when he heard the familiar sound of the blue Volvo wagon pulling into the driveway around 8 o'clock, he ran out to the front porch to greet his father.

But the moment he stepped outside, Matt once again forgot all about his father, for right there, hanging its head out the passenger window was a beautiful golden retriever. Matt was so excited he froze. He didn't know what to do or say. He just stood there staring, a blank expression on his face.

Matt's father brought the dog up the front walk and knelt down. "Now Matt, I've been thinking for a while about this," he said, "and I think you're old enough to take on the responsibility of caring for this dog. Do you think so?" Matt could hardly contain his enthusiasm. "Of course!" he almost-screamed, and he gave the dog a big hug, which the dog received by slopping a wet tongue all over Matt's face. Matt didn't mind.

Matt and his new best friend were inseparable. They went for a long walk every day, greeting old Mrs. Whitney on her front porch each time they passed. "Why hello there, young Mr. Matthew," Mrs. Whitney would reply, "and say hello to your friend for me too!" Matt always passed her greeting along.

Matt loved to play firefighter. He would pretend he was the hero, saving entire families from their burning house, one body tucked under each arm. And of course he could never save everyone without the help of his trusty firedog.

But Matt's favourite thing was to play catch. He would throw the tennis ball as far as he could, and the dog would run and get it. And they would repeat, over and over. It was impossible to tell who tired of this game first, because it never happened. That was how Matt's dog got the name Fetch. Sometimes Matt wished he could be the one fetching; he longed for that boundless joy he had first seen as a small boy watching other people's dogs at the playground.

As is always the case, Matt and Fetch grew apart as Matt got older. It wasn't for lack of love; Matt just didn't have as much time as he once did. Fetch died when Matt was in his second year away at university. Matt was sad, but he got over it.

But some part of Fetch always stayed inside Matt, and perhaps unconsciously, his life started to emulate the time spent with his dog. First he worked as a tennis ball-boy at small, local tournaments. His superiors noticed his determination and he began to get offers at bigger and bigger tournaments. Eventually he was hired as an official ATP ball-boy, traveling with the tour. He worked tournaments in Toronto, Cincinnati, Dubai, and all four majors. He had made it; he was a professional fetcher. He couldn't bring his dog back, but this was as close as he could get.

However, Matt got sick of traveling. He wanted to go home to Toronto and settle down. Unfortunately, there isn't enough tennis ball-boy work in Toronto to sustain oneself. At some point, a close friend, aware of Matt's situation, mentioned baseball. 81 games a year, plus the occasional freelance tennis work, that would be enough, right? Matt applied for the Blue Jays' 2010 season and easily got the job; he was overqualified, to say the least.

Matt's eagerness and positive attitude made him a favourite among Rogers Centre staff, and as the season went on, word spread higher and wider, until Alex Anthopoulos got wind of the ball-boy who everybody loved. Anthopoulos spent an entire three-day series against the Red Sox sitting in the front row by Matt's post, paying zero attention to the game, just watching Matt.

"He's tireless," said Anthopoulos. "He wants to fetch every foul ball so badly. He's dogged." Anthopoulos said that Matt's determination reminds him of himself, "and that's the kind of person I want managing a baseball team. One who never gives up, no matter what. That kind of attitude rubs off on the players. The best managers lead by example; they don't pressure or threaten their players into playing their hardest every day. They inspire them. Matt has that quality."

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None of these people got beyond the initial list of 200 candidates. Various factors can be blamed for this; mostly, though, baseball teams are conservative, and don't like to venture outside the comfort zone of what's normal. While Alex Anthopoulos is a creative and hard-working general manager, his large team of consultants generally vetoes anything a little too creative. So Yoslan González, Erika Thompson and Matt Chapman will have to wait at least a little longer for their first big league managing job.

Sometimes this kind of baseball news can be tiring. The stories are often nothing but reports of teams wining and dining potential managers, reporters trying to enumerate all the possible candidates, maybe assigning scores of likeliness-to-be-hired as a gimmick. Delving into the life of the candidates and really telling their story, on the other hand, humanizes the candidates and brings a spark of interest to this otherwise-tedious search. We hope that these profiles have brought you closer to the game and its people.

Arizona Diamondbacks to Give Away 20,000 Venomous Snakes

The Tampa Bay Rays made headlines this week by announcing a special promotion for their final home game. But the Arizona Diamondbacks will not be outdone. First, a little background.

On Monday, Evan Longoria and David Price of the Tampa Bay Rays remarked on the surprisingly small crowd at their game against the Baltimore Orioles, disappointed by the lack of hometown support despite the Rays' place in the standings - after Tuesday's games, Tampa Bay held the best record in all of baseball at 94-63. The Rays organization responded by pledging to give away 20,000 tickets to Wednesday's contest, the last home game of the year for Tampa Bay.

David Price's tweet turned into a massive promotion for Wednesday's game

Perhaps inspired by Price and Longoria's success at mobilizing their organization, Arizona's Justin Upton made similar comments on Tuesday night.

"Well sir, I do say, the populace hasn't exactly been alighting in droves of late. The scuttlebutt is too many of Phoenix's finest are incarcerated in hoosegows as a result of that blasted immigration reform that's so popular with the Whigs and Free Soilers these days. If you were to beseech the view of yours truly, and by jove, you are, and I'll be on the level with you, I daresay it would be just dandy if the brain trust did something like that what they did down in Tampa Bay. Finish off the season with a real fandango."

The Diamondbacks responded shortly thereafter with a press release announcing their plans: on Sunday's season-closer, each of the first 20,000 fans to arrive at the game will receive a complimentary diamondback, the namesake of the team, also known as Crotalus Atrox, the Western Rattlesnake.

"We wanted to do something for the fans," said Diamondbacks Director of Promotions Adam Cross, "but we also wanted to do our own thing. We're not just stealing Tampa Bay's idea. In fact, we think our promotion is a lot better, and not only better but more personable. The diamondback is the name of our beloved team, after all, and many of our fans grew up loving and caring for diamondbacks in their home. For many, this will be a day of nostalgia."

The Diamondbacks and Rays have often been mentioned in the same breath as a result of their concurrent entry into the Major Leagues in MLB's most recent expansion year, 1998. And though Tampa Bay currently owns baseball's best record, Arizona believes they're winning the competition between the two teams on an overall basis.

"We have a World Series title," said Arizona's owner Ken Kendrick. "What do the Rays have? Sweatshirts and dumb glasses? Some kid with the same name as the hot chick on Desperate Housewives? An ugly indoor stadium so empty they have to give away tickets? And now we have better promotions too. They give away tickets. Ooh, how creative! Who's your marketing manager Tampa Bay, Don Draper? We give away rattlesnakes. Yeah. Take that. They couldn't compete with us if they tried. What are they gonna give away? A fucking sunbeam? Nice logo, assholes."

"Diamondback Day" won't be limited to just free snakes, though. Snockys™ (socks for snakes) will be available for sale at stadium stores in Diamondbacks home and road colours, perfect for those chilly Phoenix afternoons. Additionally, Snocky™ experts will be on hand to make custom sheaths on the spot to perfectly fit each individual snake's rattle. Said Snocky™ representative Alan Richardson, "the Snocky Sheath™ is perfect for families. It turns your diamondback's rattle from a warning of approaching danger to a fun toy for your baby."

Snockys™ will be available for Purchase on Diamondback Day

In addition to the regular hot dogs, popcorn and beer, Chase Field food vendors will be serving mice with which to feed fans' new acquisitions. In keeping with ballpark traditions, mice will be available "plain", "mesquite", "cheese-stuffed", or as a combo (with fries and a 32 oz. soda).

Adam Cross says this could be the beginning of a new era in Diamondbacks promotions. "So many teams just stagnate as far as promotions go; they're satisfied with the bobble-heads, sausage race, and ladies night. We're just at the tip of the iceberg here. So many creative ideas are flowing in our department. Bobble-snakes? Snake Race? Lady Snakes Night? And there are more. Oh, you better believe there are more."

A.J. Pierzynski Becomes First Player-Broadcaster

In a surprising move Sunday night, the Chicago White Sox and WCIU-TV jointly announced that in the 2011 season, catcher A.J. Pierzynski will be signed to a contract the likes of which has never been seen before in the Major Leagues: Pierzynski will serve as player-broadcaster, simultaneously calling the game from behind the plate and over the WCIU airwaves.

While the player-broadcaster is a first, baseball has seen this type of dual-occupation before. Player-managers were common in the early stages of baseball's history: players such as Cap Anson, Ty Cobb and Tris Speaker laced up their cleats while at the same time serving as their team's representative to the umpiring crew. The player-manager has been seen as recently as 1986, when Pete Rose played 72 games while managing the Cincinnati Reds.

A press release from the White Sox went into some details about this unique situation. Pierzynski will be fitted with special equipment designed to allow him to broadcast in any game situation. New catching and batting helmets will be manufactured with built-in high-quality microphones. For the pre-game show, during which time Pierzynski will be undergoing his regular pre-game routine, a tech crew will carefully follow his every move in order to allow his routine to continue uninterrupted while he participates in the pre-game broadcast, all the while doing such typical preparations as batting practice, squats, and showering.

A.J. Pierzynski will be the first player-broadcaster in history

Pierzynski will be the colour commentator to Ken "Hawk" Harrelson, play-by-play man for the White Sox since 1990. The White Sox believe this team will provide viewers with an entirely original perspective on the game, with Harrelson able to ask his partner, at any time, "what's the mood on the field right now, A.J.?" Answers to this question are expected to range from "tense" to "pressure-packed" to "basebally".

In order to audition for the job, Pierzynski called Chicago's recent series against the Los Angeles Angels. Several excerpts from Saturday's game detail the types of exchanges viewers can expect to hear over the next three years:

Bottom of the 4th, White Sox leading 2-0, Torii Hunter at bat for the Angels, one out, runner on first.
Harrelson: A.J., what can you tell me about this batter?
Pierzynski: He fucking sucks, dude. (shouting) Right Torii? You couldn't hit my big white ass mooning you from two feet away!
Muffled Voice in the Background: Shut up A.J., I'll tell you what big white ass I hit last night, your MOM's.
Harrelson: A.J., any thoughts on what (pitcher Gavin) Floyd is gonna throw here?
Pierzynski: (loudly) Well, Gavin likes to get the first-pitch fastball in there for a strike to get ahead of the hitter, so I'd be looking fastball here.
Harrelson: The pitch... a curveball in the dirt has Hunter WAY out in front, strike one.
Pierzynski: HAH, gotcha Hunter. I was callin' curve all the way man.
Muffled Voice in the Background: Fuck you, A.J.

Top of the 6th, White Sox leading 2-1, Pierzynski at the bat.
Harrelson: Okay A.J., take me through how you plan to attack this at bat.
Pierzynski: Well Hawk, (pitcher Jered) Weaver has nasty stuff, and I got no chance against him, so I plan to peek back at the catcher to see what he's gonna throw.
Harrelson: Is that something you commonly do?
Pierzynski: Oh, all the TIME dude, I couldn't hit for shit without it. He's goin' slider on the outside corner, just fyi.
Harrelson: The pitch... a slider is roped into the left-center gap by Pierzynski! Bourjos bobbles it, and A.J.'s rounding second...
Pierzynski: (puff) This is gonna be a close play Hawk (gasp) oh SHIT I'm gonna diiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiive
Harrelson: Pierzynski JUST beats the tag and is into third with a triple!

While WCIU will go with the Harrelson-Pierzynski duo for next year, they haven't ruled out shifting the broadcast even further into the dugout or on the playing field. "This is just the beginning," said WCIU Sports Director Don Trepanier, "we have a lot of ideas about player-player broadcast teams. Imagine a pitcher-catcher battery that could also call the game as it happened. Or a play-by-play man on the White Sox with a colour man on the opposing team for both perspectives. And of course we'd love to get Ozzie Guillen on the mic."

Guillen, the White Sox' manager, it turns out, was WCIU's first choice to be Hawk Harrelson's colour man in 2011, but MLB vetoed this idea based on Guillen's past controversial statements and stint in sensitivity training.

Marlins Announce Jeffrey Loria Day

Jeffrey Loria is getting the George Steinbrenner treatment. And more.

On Tuesday afternoon, the Florida Marlins announced that 2011's slate of promotions will include a game dedicated to their beloved owner Jeffrey Loria. It will be held on Wednesday, April 6, fittingly against Loria's former franchise, the Washington Nationals (Loria owned the team when they were the Montreal Expos. Their subsequent move to Washington and Loria's ownership are not believed to be related.)

The game will begin with a video tribute similar to the one delivered in honour of George Steinbrenner earlier this year. Steinbrenner died on July 13 at the age of 80 after owning the New York Yankees for 37 years. But as Marlins Director of Promotions Everett Wells says, Loria's tribute won't simply be a copy of the former Yankee's owner's.

"Steinbrenner's ceremony certainly informed our thought process going into this", said Wells, "but Jeff's legacy is different. George was a controversial figure who was disliked by a lot of people, so when I watched that montage it made me a little squeamish. I mean, it made him out to be this heroic community builder, so I was just thinking, why are we celebrating the life of this guy who was really a jerk?"

None of those uncomfortable discrepancies apply to Loria, said Matthew Chapman, an area scout for the Marlins who has worked with Loria for over a decade. "Jeff is an outstanding man. During his ownership of the Expos and now the Marlins, he's shown nothing but an extraordinary commitment to the team, the fans, and the community. He wants to build a great baseball team, and he puts his money where his mouth is."

So Loria's tribute, according to Wells, won't carry those same unpalatable overtones that Steinbrenner's did. Wells also stressed the importance of holding a tribute while Loria still owns the team. "We want to celebrate his life while he's still here to see it (the tribute), so he knows that people care and appreciate everything he's done."

The video montage won't be the only part of the festivities though. Any fans attending the game will receive a Jeffrey Loria bobblehead, the first in the Marlins' 2011 series which will also include such luminaries as reliever Rob Dibble, Cubs fan Steve Bartman, and actor Mel Gibson.

A mock-up of the Jeffrey Loria bobble-head
that fans will receive on the special day

In the third inning, the traditional "sausage race" - popular in such MLB cities as Milwaukee and Washington (where it's a "president's race") - will be held, with the sausages replaced by Jeffreys Loria, as a nod to Loria's well-known sense of humour. Each of the four caricature-like costumes will depict a different aspect of Loria's personality: the Baseball Fan, the Philanthropist, the Dedicated Father, and the Role Model.

The seventh-inning stretch on the big day will not feature the traditional "Take Me Out to the Ballgame", but instead a special composition commissioned especially for the game and dedicated to Loria, written and conducted by "Star Wars" composer John Williams and performed live in the infield by the Ljubljana Philharmonic of Slovenia accompanied by the St. Paul's Cathedral Choir.

Throughout the game, fans will be given the opportunity to send a text message to the Marlins expressing their gratitude and appreciation towards Mr. Loria. The best and most heartfelt will be chosen to be displayed on the scoreboard.

Finally, the nightly raffle - which is usually a 50/50 draw that rewards the winner with a cash prize - will feature a Jeffrey Loria-centric prize package. The winner will receive a hand-carved bronze bust of Loria, a set of fine bathroom linens embroidered with Mr. Loria's visage, and a special dinner with the man himself, Jeffrey Loria's butler, Mr. Nigel Murdoch.

Everett Wells says he can't believe the idea has never occurred to him until now. "I mean, when you think about sports owners who go above and beyond the call of duty, the list has to start with Jeffrey Loria. This special day is long overdue."

White Sox Pull Off Rare Quadruple Play

On Tuesday night, the Chicago White Sox pulled off a play that hasn't been seen in the major leagues in over 50 years.

With the bases loaded and nobody out in the top of the third inning, Kansas City Royals shortstop Yuniesky Betancourt barely got a piece of a pitch from Mark Buehrle. Off the bat, the ball bounced just a couple feet in front of catcher A.J. Pierzynski, who quickly snatched it up, stepped on home plate for the force out and immediately fired a throw down to third baseman Brent Morel, who snagged the throw ahead of a diving Wilson Betemit.

Morel then made the bold decision to go for the out at second base, a play that would normally be impossible given the sequence of events leading up to it. However, the runner on first, Kila Ka'aihue, had dived back towards the bag upon contact and was nowhere near second. Ka'aihue explained his mistake after the game.

"Buehrle is just so deceptive, man. He's crafty. Wiley, even. You never know what he's gonna do. I saw the pitch going towards the plate and I just got this sense that it was gonna turn around and come straight to first base. I didn't want to be caught leaning." Attempts to dispute this possibility based on basic physics were quickly dismissed. "Nah man, you just don't get how crafty Buehrle is. He's tricky. Cunning. Knavish, if you will."

The upshot was that the Royals' DH was out of position and easily thrown out at second base to complete the triple play. But it didn't end there. Sox second baseman Omar Vizquel made the double (or, in this case, double double) play turn and fired to first baseman Paul Konerko. When asked why, Vizquel claimed innocence in his pleasantly mild Spanish accent.

"It wasn't me. Something took over my body and made that throw for me. It was like some, eh, renegade spirit trespassed into my soul and became my essence, and the only way for it to atone for its sins that was keeping it in this world and ascend to the glorious afterlife and be reunited with its loved ones and avoid an eternity of wandering, floating through this world, utterly alone, in a state of constant torment, always regretting not taking advantage of that one chance it had been given by the ultimate power from on high, way up in that magical place to which we all strive, was to catch that ball, turn around and throw it over to Paulo."

Omar Vizquel had an out-of-body experience while turning "The Play"

The throw easily beat Betancourt to the bag, as the runner had watched the play unfold and understandably headed back towards the dugout, believing his run down to first base to now be superfluous. However, first base umpire Peter Gzowski called him out emphatically, getting down on one knee and throwing a fierce uppercut at an invisible (and presumably very short) boxing opponent while screaming "JYERIIIAAOUUUTT" in a grunge-rock falsetto.

"It was awesome", said Gzowski. "The most awesome thing I've ever seen. Just so freaking awesome. I had to call him out, because of the awesomeness of it. Man. Awesome."

After a brief conference, the umpires decided that Kansas City would start the fourth with one out. "Initially, I thought that idea was ridiculous", said crew chief Lloyd Robertson, "but Gzowski convinced us. He was right: it was friggin' awesome. I mean, who's ever seen a quadruple play? Awesome. An Awesomely Awesome play of Awesome Awesomeness."

Despite its nonsensicalness, the quadruple play has happened before. On June 8, 1953, with the bases loaded, New York Giants shortstop Alvin Dark hit a ball into the right-center gap that was bobbled by the right fielder upon retrieval. Sensing an inside-the-park home run, Dark sped around the bases following his teammates. Unfortunately, the lead runner, catcher Wes Westrum, suffered an horrific injury on the play. He tore his Anterior Cruciate Ligament (ACL) while running, and careened into foul territory, writhing in pain. Not noticing what had happened, perhaps believing the squirming figure on the ground to be the third base coach for some reason, the three other runners passed him, and were called out for their transgression. Westrum himself was called out for leaving the base-paths. The umpires hadn't noticed that four outs had been called at the time, but after coming to the realization penalized the Giants with an extra out in the next inning.

Rumours of a quintuple play in the Negro Leagues in the 1920s have circulated, but as with many alleged events in baseball's early history, the details are hazy and unconfirmed. Speculation has arisen about how such a play could occur: some have hypothesized that certain runners could have been called out more than once for multiple transgressions, that fielders could have been given "bonus outs" for particularly spectacular plays, or that the umpires were corrupt jerks.