Diamondbacks Fan Left Hungry After Announcers Use Every Ingredient of Tacos in Broadcast

PHOENIX (Bottom of the Fourth) - A local man is apparently suing the Arizona Diamondbacks after a segment of Tuesday night's game's play-by-play left him "irreparably hungry".

Bernie Taylor, an accountant from downtown Phoenix, says that a portion of the game's broadcast included "every taco ingredient" in the span of less than two minutes. Taylor was at work at the time, listening to the radio broadcast, and didn't have immediate access to taco ingredients.

The offending segment occurred in the bottom of the fourth inning and a transcript has been obtained by Bottom of the Fourth.

"High cheese to Alvarez... and he launches one, high and deep, that's into the left-field bleachers! Holy guacamole, the Diamondbacks are just getting shelled tonight by the Pirates."

"Now Cedeno steps in, and oh boy, he just got beaned, this could get ugly. He took a pitch right in the ribs." 

"I'd say that was more in his back, Greg."

"Eh, tomato tomah-to. Wherever he got hit, Cedeno's got a legitimate beef with Hudson."

"And lettuce be clear: the Diamondbacks can't afford for their ace to get suspended this close to the playoffs."

Though nothing materialized between (pitcher Daniel) Hudson and (shortstop Ronny) Cedeno, it appeared that a fight might break out from the broadcast's description of Cedeno as "red as a thick, chunky salsa". Hudson, on the other hand, wanted no part of it, described by the announcers as "pale as non-fat sour cream".

Bernie Taylor's lawyers claim his medical insurance doesn't cover cases of extreme hunger and that it's dangerous and criminal for the Diamondbacks to induce this ailment. They're seeking a $200,000 settlement.

Taylor himself, however, speaking to the media against his lawyers' wishes, says he would be happy with a Cheesy Gordita Crunch from Taco Bell.

Arizona Diamondbacks to Give Away 20,000 Venomous Snakes

The Tampa Bay Rays made headlines this week by announcing a special promotion for their final home game. But the Arizona Diamondbacks will not be outdone. First, a little background.

On Monday, Evan Longoria and David Price of the Tampa Bay Rays remarked on the surprisingly small crowd at their game against the Baltimore Orioles, disappointed by the lack of hometown support despite the Rays' place in the standings - after Tuesday's games, Tampa Bay held the best record in all of baseball at 94-63. The Rays organization responded by pledging to give away 20,000 tickets to Wednesday's contest, the last home game of the year for Tampa Bay.

David Price's tweet turned into a massive promotion for Wednesday's game

Perhaps inspired by Price and Longoria's success at mobilizing their organization, Arizona's Justin Upton made similar comments on Tuesday night.

"Well sir, I do say, the populace hasn't exactly been alighting in droves of late. The scuttlebutt is too many of Phoenix's finest are incarcerated in hoosegows as a result of that blasted immigration reform that's so popular with the Whigs and Free Soilers these days. If you were to beseech the view of yours truly, and by jove, you are, and I'll be on the level with you, I daresay it would be just dandy if the brain trust did something like that what they did down in Tampa Bay. Finish off the season with a real fandango."

The Diamondbacks responded shortly thereafter with a press release announcing their plans: on Sunday's season-closer, each of the first 20,000 fans to arrive at the game will receive a complimentary diamondback, the namesake of the team, also known as Crotalus Atrox, the Western Rattlesnake.

"We wanted to do something for the fans," said Diamondbacks Director of Promotions Adam Cross, "but we also wanted to do our own thing. We're not just stealing Tampa Bay's idea. In fact, we think our promotion is a lot better, and not only better but more personable. The diamondback is the name of our beloved team, after all, and many of our fans grew up loving and caring for diamondbacks in their home. For many, this will be a day of nostalgia."

The Diamondbacks and Rays have often been mentioned in the same breath as a result of their concurrent entry into the Major Leagues in MLB's most recent expansion year, 1998. And though Tampa Bay currently owns baseball's best record, Arizona believes they're winning the competition between the two teams on an overall basis.

"We have a World Series title," said Arizona's owner Ken Kendrick. "What do the Rays have? Sweatshirts and dumb glasses? Some kid with the same name as the hot chick on Desperate Housewives? An ugly indoor stadium so empty they have to give away tickets? And now we have better promotions too. They give away tickets. Ooh, how creative! Who's your marketing manager Tampa Bay, Don Draper? We give away rattlesnakes. Yeah. Take that. They couldn't compete with us if they tried. What are they gonna give away? A fucking sunbeam? Nice logo, assholes."

"Diamondback Day" won't be limited to just free snakes, though. Snockys™ (socks for snakes) will be available for sale at stadium stores in Diamondbacks home and road colours, perfect for those chilly Phoenix afternoons. Additionally, Snocky™ experts will be on hand to make custom sheaths on the spot to perfectly fit each individual snake's rattle. Said Snocky™ representative Alan Richardson, "the Snocky Sheath™ is perfect for families. It turns your diamondback's rattle from a warning of approaching danger to a fun toy for your baby."

Snockys™ will be available for Purchase on Diamondback Day

In addition to the regular hot dogs, popcorn and beer, Chase Field food vendors will be serving mice with which to feed fans' new acquisitions. In keeping with ballpark traditions, mice will be available "plain", "mesquite", "cheese-stuffed", or as a combo (with fries and a 32 oz. soda).

Adam Cross says this could be the beginning of a new era in Diamondbacks promotions. "So many teams just stagnate as far as promotions go; they're satisfied with the bobble-heads, sausage race, and ladies night. We're just at the tip of the iceberg here. So many creative ideas are flowing in our department. Bobble-snakes? Snake Race? Lady Snakes Night? And there are more. Oh, you better believe there are more."