It's that time in the off-season: the one in which all of MLB's high-profile free agents have signed with their respective teams, and we're left with an empty void of nothingness (of which voids are prone to be filled) before spring training starts. Being fanatics (the deranged kind, not the tame version from which 'fan' evolved), we must find something, anything, to pass the time.
Enter arbitration hearings.
Players tell teams how much money they (the player) think they (the player) should make. Teams tell players how much they (the team) think they (the player) should make. Sometimes, the team and the player come to an agreement before going to a neutral arbitrator. "Will [player X] win his arbitration case? Or will [team Y] triumph? An analysis", boring-as-fuck bloggers write.
(What boring-as-fuck bloggers should write: 'Will [player X] earn a salary slightly higher than his team would like to pay him, or will [team Y] pay [player X] slightly less than he would like to earn but still it'll be millions of dollars? An entry in my diary because I don't want to dilute the already barren internet with this shit that nobody cares about.")
Well, I'm not just going to sit here and whine, because that would be petty and unproductive. I have a solution: put Sarah Palin in charge of all arbitration hearings.
There are innumerable benefits to this idea, not the least of which is the entertainment value that would be added to the proceedings. We'd be glued to our internets waiting for the latest Palinism to go viral.
It would keep her out of politics. In retrospect, despite the good Bud Selig has done for the game, wouldn't you rather George W. Bush had been named commissioner, as he was purported to have been in the running for, in 1992? He would have had too much on his plate to think about running for president, and I think we can all agree that would have been a good thing.
Furthermore, it would allow teams and players to get more creative with their contract submissions. Being an Alaskan, Palin naturally has an atypical concept of the value of money, and as such may be willing to negotiate contracts based on other forms of currency, such as polar bear coats, wooly mammoth tusks, and baby seal oil. The burden would be on the team or the player to acquire this type of non-standard currency, but those parties willing to put in the time and effort could see massive savings.
Now, between Bristol's dancing career and Sarah's hunting "prowess", the Palins have some pretty solid reality-TV connections. Can you imagine how much this bleak stretch of winter would be improved if "arbitration hearings" became "Arbitrating With the Stars"? Envision the ratings MLB could get from "The Real Housewives of MLB Arbitrators"? And don't pretend you wouldn't watch "America's Next Top Arbitrator". (Plus, don't forget the inevitable Tina Fey parodies. I've long said the arbitration process is a natural fit for a sketch-comedy send-up.) Really, this is an economic no-brainer from MLB's perspective.
The only drawback I can foresee is the legal hassles that may result from signed contracts containing what are later discovered to not be words. Pundits believe that some arbitration-related accidental word creations might include "contractivation", "baseballyhoo", and "Los Angeles Angels of Anaheimlich Maneuver".
Showing posts with label Xavepinions. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Xavepinions. Show all posts
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
Why Baseball Should Move Its Winter Meetings to Northern Canada
As you're no doubt aware, MLB's winter meetings are going on right now. You've probably spent the last twenty-four hours being absolutely bombarded by MLB Trade Rumors, Twitter, and, yes, Twttr, getting nothing done all day as you await the latest juicy speculation (that was probably based on a team executive being spotted eating a particular type of croissant).
Let's face it, gossip is fun. People love trashy celebrity gossip from websites like TMZ, and baseball is no different. Ken Rosenthal is basically the Perez Hilton of MLB, except, you know, not an asshole.
But gossip is a vice. It's a sinkhole that absorbs us, preventing us from doing anything productive until we can somehow escape its clutch. Sometimes you just need to cut yourself off, even from something you enjoy. Thus, a proposal: move the Winter Meetings to Northern Canada. The Northerlier the better.
Oh, reporters would still be clamouring around the igloo lobbies looking for the latest scoop, but it's a well-established fact that internet tubes and cell phone microwaves freeze anywhere north of 65˚. By the time the Alaskan Malamute-drawn sleds reached civilization, the meetings would be over, reporters would be back online, and we'd receive the whole week's information in a single digestible package, trimmed of all the excess tittle-tattle.
Plus, there's something disingenuous about an event in Lake Buena Vista, Florida being called the "Winter Meetings". Calling December in Florida winter is like saying the Yankees are in a recession when they have to slash payroll down to $200 million.
There would also be an element of "survival of the fittest" - literally. Baseball executives, unlike the commodities they trade in, are not exactly known to be in peak physical condition. Anyone who can't hack it in the extreme cold could miss out on some great trade opportunities, free agent bargains, and continued life. It would give us great insight into which GMs have the strongest resolve, and which would trade their starting catcher for a box of matches and a slab of elk.
By the time the Rule V Draft rolled around on the fourth day, the best eligible players would basically be up for grabs for any team with at least one executive still alive.
Admittedly, there's a bit of schadenfreude going on here. Baseball owners suck, and agents suck too. The thing of which they have most in their life is money, and yet they spend 99% of their time trying to squeeze every last penny. I would like nothing more than to see them packed like sardines in a communal bunk igloo, devolved into an anarchic melee for the few scraps of food, only able to make guttural neanderthal noises through their frozen jaws. (GMs are okay - they can have cots and canned beans.)
Of course, since the hypothetical Arctic Meetings would be cut off from connected civilization, I would not, in fact, be able to revel in the misfortune of greedy executives in real-time, unless I myself attended the meetings, incurring the inevitably steep travel costs, not to mention the cost of attending the meetings, and of course the harsh conditions. These are sacrifices I'm willing to make.
Holding the Winter Meetings in the extreme north may seem impractical, but there's a hidden advantage that might sway Bud Selig to actually consider this proposal. The Collective Bargaining Agreement expires after the 2011 season, and if MLB wants the players to give in to all its terms, it needs to back the players into a corner, a corner they're so desperate to get out of they'll sign anything. What better corner than a 60-below polar bear crossing?
Let's face it, gossip is fun. People love trashy celebrity gossip from websites like TMZ, and baseball is no different. Ken Rosenthal is basically the Perez Hilton of MLB, except, you know, not an asshole.
But gossip is a vice. It's a sinkhole that absorbs us, preventing us from doing anything productive until we can somehow escape its clutch. Sometimes you just need to cut yourself off, even from something you enjoy. Thus, a proposal: move the Winter Meetings to Northern Canada. The Northerlier the better.
Oh, reporters would still be clamouring around the igloo lobbies looking for the latest scoop, but it's a well-established fact that internet tubes and cell phone microwaves freeze anywhere north of 65˚. By the time the Alaskan Malamute-drawn sleds reached civilization, the meetings would be over, reporters would be back online, and we'd receive the whole week's information in a single digestible package, trimmed of all the excess tittle-tattle.
 |
| The Winter Meetings should be moved into the Arctic Circle |
Plus, there's something disingenuous about an event in Lake Buena Vista, Florida being called the "Winter Meetings". Calling December in Florida winter is like saying the Yankees are in a recession when they have to slash payroll down to $200 million.
There would also be an element of "survival of the fittest" - literally. Baseball executives, unlike the commodities they trade in, are not exactly known to be in peak physical condition. Anyone who can't hack it in the extreme cold could miss out on some great trade opportunities, free agent bargains, and continued life. It would give us great insight into which GMs have the strongest resolve, and which would trade their starting catcher for a box of matches and a slab of elk.
By the time the Rule V Draft rolled around on the fourth day, the best eligible players would basically be up for grabs for any team with at least one executive still alive.
Admittedly, there's a bit of schadenfreude going on here. Baseball owners suck, and agents suck too. The thing of which they have most in their life is money, and yet they spend 99% of their time trying to squeeze every last penny. I would like nothing more than to see them packed like sardines in a communal bunk igloo, devolved into an anarchic melee for the few scraps of food, only able to make guttural neanderthal noises through their frozen jaws. (GMs are okay - they can have cots and canned beans.)
Of course, since the hypothetical Arctic Meetings would be cut off from connected civilization, I would not, in fact, be able to revel in the misfortune of greedy executives in real-time, unless I myself attended the meetings, incurring the inevitably steep travel costs, not to mention the cost of attending the meetings, and of course the harsh conditions. These are sacrifices I'm willing to make.
Holding the Winter Meetings in the extreme north may seem impractical, but there's a hidden advantage that might sway Bud Selig to actually consider this proposal. The Collective Bargaining Agreement expires after the 2011 season, and if MLB wants the players to give in to all its terms, it needs to back the players into a corner, a corner they're so desperate to get out of they'll sign anything. What better corner than a 60-below polar bear crossing?
Thursday, November 25, 2010
The Pirates Should "Go For It" in 2011
Baseball teams are constantly being labeled by fans according to the state in which they're perceived as being. Teams are described as "in fire-sale mode", "treading water", "three sheets to the wind", "coming back down to Earth", and other such phrases involving one of the four classical elements.
Another common baseball-team-state-of-being is "going for it". When a team decides to "go for it", they say "fuck this, let's win the World Series", sign a bunch of free agents and gut their farm system by trading prospects for established major league players with the hope of having that one magical year.
I think this is the year the Pittsburgh Pirates should "go for it". Why? Let me explain.
1. It Would Come Out of Nowhere
Teams that "go for it" generally have a couple things already on their side:
Another common baseball-team-state-of-being is "going for it". When a team decides to "go for it", they say "fuck this, let's win the World Series", sign a bunch of free agents and gut their farm system by trading prospects for established major league players with the hope of having that one magical year.
I think this is the year the Pittsburgh Pirates should "go for it". Why? Let me explain.
1. It Would Come Out of Nowhere
Teams that "go for it" generally have a couple things already on their side:
- a solid major league roster with several star-level players
- the capacity to spend money
2. The City Needs It
The current version of the Pittsburgh Pirates has been one of the most futile teams in professional sports history. They haven't had a winning season since 1992, when a 27-year-old Barry Bonds led the Bucs to a playoff berth. Some other things that have happened since 1992:
- The New York Yankees have made the playoffs fifteen times
- Miley Cyrus was born, rose to fame, and is now a legal adult
- Bono has personally delivered meals to over 34,000 starving Namibian children
- Stephen King has written 476 books, one fewer than John Grisham
3. It's in Their Nature
When did you ever hear about pirates who bided their time? Who slowly but surely built their reserves until the proper time for them to be unleashed? Who sacrificed instant gratification for sustained success?
If there's one thing pirates are known for, it's impetuousness. (Also: eye-patches, parrots, crassness, peg-legs, rum, hooks for hands, walking the plank, the Jolly Roger, treasure, piratey slang, pillaging, swabbing the deck, Somalia, eye shadow, Davy Jones' Locker, saying "avast", jibs, hornswaggling, parleying, confusing maps, timbers that may or may not be shivering, mutiny, Bluebeard, doubloons, cooking in a galley, crow's nests, spyglasses and gout. Also jaunty sea ditties.)
But yeah, impetuousness. It's a trait so deeply ingrained in the psyche of pirates that even a baseball team nicknamed for them absorbs it by association. The Pirates will take to this radical change in direction like a brigantine to a hearty gale.
---
 |
| The Pirates could take the NL by storm next year |
It's always a difficult decision to "go for it", perhaps sacrificing continued success for instant gratification. But pirates are not patient enough for the alternative, as evidenced by 18 years of futility. "Going for it" is the right decision.
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
Why Change-ups > Sliders
There are many ways by which pitchers can attempt to fool batters in the great game of baseball. They can throw the ball fast, throw it slow, spin it down, spin it across, make it rise, make it zigzag, throw two (or more) balls at once, bank it off the ceiling, make it boomerang, shoot it out of a cannon.... the list goes on and on.
Two of the most prevalent techniques in a pitcher's arsenal are the slider and the change-up. I'm here to tell you why the change-up is always, in every case, definitively better than the slider.
1. Sliders Are Gross
As you well know, the slider is named after the miniature hamburger popularized by American chain White Castle. According to this nutritional information, an "A1 Slider", the namesake of the pitch, contains 9% of a person's recommended daily fat intake, and 18% of their daily sodium. Now, that may not seem like much, but remember - these are miniature hamburgers we're talking about. An average White Castle meal contains four of those bad boys. We're talking more than a third of your daily fat, and almost three-quarters of your daily sodium! And that doesn't even include the fries and coke!
Sliders embody everything wrong with America: unhealthy processed food, deception-based marketing, sharp left turns (did I just analogize the motion of a baseball pitch to the political climate of the most powerful country on Earth? You better believe I did). And with slider usage on the rise in baseball, it's no surprise our kids are getting fatter and fatter.
Two of the most prevalent techniques in a pitcher's arsenal are the slider and the change-up. I'm here to tell you why the change-up is always, in every case, definitively better than the slider.
1. Sliders Are Gross
As you well know, the slider is named after the miniature hamburger popularized by American chain White Castle. According to this nutritional information, an "A1 Slider", the namesake of the pitch, contains 9% of a person's recommended daily fat intake, and 18% of their daily sodium. Now, that may not seem like much, but remember - these are miniature hamburgers we're talking about. An average White Castle meal contains four of those bad boys. We're talking more than a third of your daily fat, and almost three-quarters of your daily sodium! And that doesn't even include the fries and coke!
Sliders embody everything wrong with America: unhealthy processed food, deception-based marketing, sharp left turns (did I just analogize the motion of a baseball pitch to the political climate of the most powerful country on Earth? You better believe I did). And with slider usage on the rise in baseball, it's no surprise our kids are getting fatter and fatter.
 |
| 6 grams of fat per pitch |
2. Change-ups Are Classier
Did you know that broadcasters used to call the change-up the "change of pace"? Isn't that awesome? Doesn't it just remind you of those crazy old-school pitching mechanics? The slider doesn't have any cool old-school nicknames. In fact, according to Wikipedia, one of its nicknames is the "yakker", which really only adds to the Gross Hypothesis.
Plus, whoever came up with the change-up was a genius. I can imagine the first time someone figured out there were pitches other than fastballs. "Hey, I keep throwing it as hard as I can, and they keep hitting it really hard. What should I do?" "Uh, throw it faster?" "Dude, I told you, I'm throwing as fast as I can!" "Um, okay, why don't you try throwing it, uh, slower?" "Slower? What? That's stupid. They'll just hit it harder!" "Man, I dunno. Just try it!"
(In case you're wondering, 19th century baseball players did in fact call each other 'dude' and 'man'.)
3. Sliders Are Gross
I want you to take a moment, close your eyes, and imagine a pitcher throwing a slider. Visualize every detail - the batter, the teams, the weather, the score, how well-attended the game is, who's umpiring, what merchandise is for sale, what else is going on the city that day. Everything.
Got it?
Now watch that game in your head for at least seven minutes.
...
The pitcher had a gross '80s moustache, right?
4. 'Pulling the String'
There are a lot of stupid baseball clichés out there, and while players, managers and fans have been known to spout these meaningless banalities from time to time, nobody is more distinguished in the cliché arts than the broadcaster.
However, sometimes a cliché enters the lexicon simply because it's great, and though it gets overused and sometimes misused, it doesn't diminish that greatness. I love when broadcasters say "Santana really pulled the string on that one", because it's a very satisfying descriptive phrase. Watching a batter flail wildly at a pitch that's still ten feet from reaching him makes one believe that the pitcher really does have a string that he can yank at any moment to make the hitter look foolish, and that's a beautiful metaphor, at least in my mind.
5. Sliders Are Gross
"Slider? I hardly even know her!"
How many times have you heard this disgusting, horrific, misogynistic phrase uttered by players, coaches, announcers? I'll tell you how many times: too many times. Stop the sexism. Abort sliders.
---
If there was any doubt in your mind before, obviously that's been erased. The change-up is superior to the slider in every way, and it's not particularly close. Why any pitcher would continue to use the slider is beyond me. But then, I'm a vegetarian.
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
Blue Jays Contract Cancer
On Wednesday, July 14, Bastille Day, the Toronto Blue Jays destroyed their franchise.
Allow me to explain. The Jays traded their starting shortstop Alex Gonzalez, along with prospects Tim Collins and Tyler Pastornicky, to the Atlanta Braves for Cuban shortstop Yunel Escobar and pitcher Jo-Jo Reyes. On the surface, it looks like a good move by the Jays; they cashed in an aging rental player and a couple of B-prospects for a young player with a solid track record at a key defensive position. However, Escobar had fallen out of favour with the Braves because of his attitude and abrasive personality, and this factor will prove to be the undoing of Canada's only major league baseball team.
There's no doubt that Yunel Escobar is a clubhouse cancer. Just look at these testimonials:
"He's been known for perceived arrogant mannerisms on the field and has carried a me-against-the-world mentality" - Alden Gonzalez, MLB.com
"There's no doubt that Escobar's flamboyant approach to the game has continued to infuriate some members of the Braves organization" - Mark Bowman and Chris Hempson, MLB.com
"It's about the attitude and being a clubhouse cancer." - PrinceWimbley
"The guy is a clubhouse cancer." - kalmamd, forum.bodybuilding.com
"a club house cancer" - bigstack19
And if that weren't enough, picture those quotes in a rapid-fire video montage set to a foreboding yet driving soundtrack which crescendos as the lengths of the clips shorten, climaxing as the words Clubhouse Cancer are fiercely spoken directly into the camera, and hollowly fades out while the text rattles around the deteriorating, congealing images.
Yeah, I know. Powerful.
And thoroughly convincing. How can you not believe the guy is nothing short of a ticking time-bomb when so many individual opinions support that claim?
According to Wikipedia, cancer is a "a class of diseases in which a group of cells display uncontrolled growth (division beyond the normal limits), invasion (intrusion on and destruction of adjacent tissues), and sometimes metastasis (spread to other locations in the body via lymph or blood)."
I'm sure I don't need to spell it out for you, but this is not a good thing. Let's follow the cancer analogy to its logical conclusion by examining what its three properties mean for the Toronto Blue Jays.
- Uncontrolled Growth - Yunel Escobar is listed by ESPN.com at 6'2" and 200 lbs., traditionally a good baseball body. He's lean and fast, but strong enough to drive the ball. Unfortunately, given his carcinogenic nature, his size will not level out as it does for most players. At first, the effects will be subtle. He'll lose a step on the base paths and in the field, but he may actually gain power at the plate, prompting coaches and scouts to disregard other negative effects. But just like cancer, Escobar's growth will become faster as time goes on, and soon he'll balloon to unbelievable proportions, necessitating custom-made gloves to fit his gargantuan hands, eventually followed by his own clubhouse adjacent to the stadium, until finally he won't be able to even fit in the Skydome on those chilly September nights when the roof is closed.
- Invasion - Invasion is the process by which the cancerous party deeply infects those parties closest to it. As a shortstop, Escobar will be exposed most frequently to the infielder on either side of him: Aaron Hill at second will be the first to go, while Edwin Encarnación and José Bautista, who share time at third for the Jays, will follow closely behind. It could be that by spring training next year, Hill, Bautista and Encarnación will have contracted the disease, and as early as one year from now could be showing early symptoms.
- Metastasis - Of course, Escobar's cancerous influence will not be limited to his immediate neighbours on the diamond. A somewhat dilute version of the disease will be passed to any teammate who plays catch, works out, or is involved in the same in-game play with Escobar, even if said play is a complex, multi-step sequence (i.e. a rundown). In most cases the metastasized cancer will manifest itself simply as a benign tumor, never to spread and affect the player in any way. However, the success rate of the disease is likely high enough that the few positive instances will cause a chain reaction that will destroy the entire team within 15 years. Of course, baseball teams have high turnover rates and new, cancer-free players will constantly be brought in to combat the affliction, but if Escobar is allowed even two years with the Blue Jays, it will be too late. Given that he has three and a half seasons remaining under team control, that seems all but certain to come to pass.
The Blue Jays may see immediate gains from this trade, since of the two major league shortstops moved, Escobar is younger, cheaper, and projected by most as the better player. But it's a short-term move by the Jays, and it's never a good idea for a major league franchise to turn a blind eye to the future. The Atlanta Braves, on the other hand, avoided that temptation, and chose to build for years to come by ridding themselves of a liability that likely would have ensured the destruction of their entire franchise.
Instead, that will be a fate only suffered by Toronto.
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