Bases empty, two outs, a 3-1 game, #8 hitter up. Nothing comes down to this.

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

Michael Young Can Block Trades to 'Shitty-Ass Dumps'

When the Texas Rangers signed Adrian Beltre, Michael Young was pushed off his position for the third time in his Rangers career. Now, it appears that designated hitter is the only job with regular playing time available for Young, and given the infielder's ability to play every position around the horn, many are speculating about the prospect of Young being traded.

However, that may be more difficult than expected as a result of some bizarre stipulations in Young's contract that allow him to block trades to many teams, most notably those that play in 'shitty-ass dumps'.

Young's agent, Gordon Cheung, was reached for comment. "When Michael signed his contract extension, he wanted to make sure he didn't end up getting traded somewhere crappy like Pittsburgh or Oakland. Basically, if the Rangers approach us with a trade proposal, in order to gain the right to veto it, we have to be able to prove within 10% confidence intervals that the destination city qualifies as a 'shitty-ass dump'." Cheung elaborated, noting that several criteria contribute to the 'shitty-ass dump rating': 'shittiness', 'assicity', and "dumpiness".

Cheung would not go into specifics on which teams qualify, noting that it's a constantly-changing statistic. New York City, for example, has improved its 'assicity' considerably in recent years thanks to a special initiative led by mayor Michael Bloomberg, and though it used to be on Young's no-trade list, no longer makes the cut.

Not all cities have seen the same good fortune, though, as Jeff DeChambeau, an economist at Harvard University, explains. "One of the most devastating effects of the recession has been an extreme downturn in dumpiness levels in many urban areas," says DeChambeau. "Coupled with the ever-increasing migration to the suburbs, which are shitty by nature, these two effects combine to form an overall umbrella of assicity. It's a three-pronged attack that is on the verge of devastating several major cities."

Despite these clauses, though, it is believed that Young would approve trades to certain teams if they "really want" him. He elaborated, explaining that any team that "goes hard" and "pulls out all the stops" to "get a deal done" has his attention, and if they assure Young that "he's [their] guy", he'll make sure they're on the approved list.

Young's contract contains a number of other provisos enabling him to prevent trades to certain teams, including the ability to block trades to "teams with Dayton Moore as GM", "cities that end in 'inneapolis-St. Paul'", and "teams that are determined by an independent tribunal to 'suck' at a level up to and including 'a lot'".


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