Leake Claims Rare Form of Dyslexia, Often Confuses 'Paying' with 'Leaving'

CINCINNATI (Bottom of the Fourth) - Mike Leake of the Cincinnati Reds made headlines yesterday when he was arrested for shoplifting about $60 worth of shirts from a Macy's in Cincinnati. Instead of apologizing to his team and fans, however, Leake explained his actions by revealing he suffers from a rare form of dyslexia that makes him mix up the specific actions of 'paying' and 'leaving'.

Leake says the disorder has been problematic throughout his life, causing him to do socially-inappropriate things like attempting to pay upon leaving a new girlfriend's house. The pitcher says he's had difficulty sustaining relationships beyond the first date as a result.

Leake was diagnosed by Dr. Andrew Wakefield, who has made a career out of controversial diagnoses. Wakefield says Leake's affliction is common among "Cincinnati Reds pitchers" and isn't limited to the aforementioned mix-up. The doctor says that Leake and anyone else who suffers from "Weirdly-Specific Action Dyslexia" (W-SAD) could have trouble distinguishing between other pairs of actions, specifically 'reading a novel' and 'arson', 'microwaving a burrito' and 'grand theft auto', and 'giving raspberry kisses to babies' and 'murder'.

Leake could accidentally throw grenades at his opponents because of his disorder