Adam Dunn Admits to Liking Baseball

Contrary to a 2008 quote from then-Blue Jays GM J.P. Ricciardi, Adam Dunn does, in fact, like baseball. He clarified his position on Sunday, more than two years after the initial accusation. "After giving it a lot of consideration, I have decided to respond to Mr. Ricciardi's claim. Following the completion of an in-depth cost-benefit analysis, it has become clear to me that I do, in fact, like baseball."

Ricciardi's initial charge went as follows: "Do you know that [Dunn] doesn't really like baseball that much?" He went on, stating that Dunn "is not enamoured with", "fails to maintain interest in" and "is indifferent at best" to the sport. Dunn, an extremely thoughtful and meticulous individual, did not respond as most would to such an egregious claim (by bluntly tossing insults back through the media), but instead retreated into solitary contemplation. Two and a half years of careful analysis produced the following chart:

Dunn's two-year brainstorm resulted in this pro-con chart

In fact, Dunn says his hibernative refuge stemmed from an earlier phase in his career in which he genuinely convinced himself that he didn't like baseball. "My college buddies all hated their jobs," the slugger said, "and I always felt awkward hanging out with them, because all they wanted to do was complain about the technical report they had due on Friday, or the trade show they had to go to in Albuquerque, or the synergy analysis they had to get synergized. So I started telling them about the shitty parts of being a major league baseball player. Eventually, they started to believe it. And I think I did too."

They really sympathized with me," Dunn responds when asked about his friends' reaction to this new perspective on America's pastime. "I don't think they ever realized how truly gruelling and frustrating it is to be constantly on the road, never getting a day off, never seeing your family and always in fear that you'll get traded and suddenly see your family even less. But once I explained all that to them, they took me in and nurtured me like a wounded dove."

However, it seems that Dunn's friends weren't being completely honest with him. Andrew Percy, a former fraternity roommate, says that they saw through the ruse from the beginning. "That was such BS, man", says Percy. "I mean, c'mon. He makes millions of dollars because he's really good at PLAYING A GAME that is honestly oh my god so much fun to play. Is he fucking serious? Any of us would trade our lives for his in a second."

When pressed about why he never relayed this information to Dunn, Percy says that the group was worried about Adam's fragility. "Adam is a gentle flower. The slightest gust of wind can sweep him off course, and he might never find his way back home."

Fortunately, thanks to his time away from civilization, that may no longer be true. Dunn took all that confusion and turmoil in his mind and slowly but surely kneaded it until all the knots were straightened out. He emerged from that Pacific Northwest forest a new man. One who knows who he is. One who listens to Fleet Foxes, brews his own beer, and rocks a sweet beard. And one who genuinely likes baseball.