PHOENIX (Bottom of the Fourth) - Amid labour strife in both the NFL and NBA, MLB has had to scramble to resolve its own dispute at the last minute. The league was surprised to receive word this morning that the players were demanding "chilling" rights for tonight's Home Run Derby, a significant increase from last year's "maxin' and relaxin'" clause.
MLB Spokesman Stuart Dawson said the demand "blindsided" the league and that the players' demands were "outrageous". However, a "power-negosh" this afternoon brought the two sides to a tentative agreement. The players assented to the somewhat less extreme "hanging" privilege when the league threatened to curtail "players' kids wearing matching uniforms" rights to "kids of cuteness quotient 5 or less".
While most players are satisfied with the arrangement, a few stalwarts are still pushing for "chilling". Alex Avila, Tigers catcher and first-time All-Star, wants to make the most of his first selection to the team, and claims he won't be able to do so without the ability to "chill".
"It's been my dream since I was four years old to chill at the Home Run Derby," Avila told reporters Monday, "and I just can't believe MLB would be so heartless as to crush players' dreams so unnecessarily."
Stuart Dawson, meanwhile, disagrees wholeheartedly with Avila. "This is by no means an unnecessary, cruel decision. If MLB allowed the players to "chill" it's just a matter of time before they'd be "loafing", and before you know it "sloth" would set in. We can't have our players setting such bad examples for the kids out there. It's simply a non-starter."