TORONTO (Bottom of the Fourth) - The internet was abuzz when an earthquake hit North America's east coast Tuesday afternoon. It was soon revealed that the tremor was the first ever recorded earthquake to be caused by the batting practice session of a Major League Baseball player.
José Bautista, star slugger of the Toronto Blue Jays, was taking batting practice when he crushed a 70-MPH fastball with such force that it caused most of the Eastern Seaboard to shake violently.
According to an unnamed member of the press, some members Kansas City Royals were on the field stretching and were left literally "quaking in their boots" upon witness Bautista's astonishing power. Bottom of the Fourth is working on several leads to ascertain exactly why the Royals were wearing boots.
Sources say the earthquake, which was felt from Virginia to Chicago to Toronto, caused "extensive tweeting" and "mass exclamation".
Blue Jays General Manager Alex Anthopoulos has called a press conference for 3:30 this afternoon to apologize for the quake. He is also expected to announce the signing of Kate Winslet to be the team's new Director of Grandma Affairs.
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Tuesday, August 23, 2011
Wednesday, August 10, 2011
S&P Downgrades National League to AAA
NEW YORK (Bottom of the Fourth) - Just days after downgrading the United States to AA+, Standard and Poor's has announced another major downgrade, bumping Major League Baseball's National League down from "Major Leagues" to "AAA".
S&P analyst John Keats said the move has been a long time coming, but the agency garnered the courage to go through with it after their controversial downgrade of the USA.
"It's been clear for at least 15 years that the National League fucking sucks," said Keats in a statement Wednesday morning, "'I dunno how it's taken us this long to officially acknowledge that fact."
Technical details of the demotion followed in a report released by S&P. National League clubs will be evenly distributed between the International and Pacific Coast leagues, the two current AAA leagues. This will mean that some clubs will even play regularly against their own AAA affiliate.
Additionally, NL clubs will no longer be eligible for the World Series. MLB has acted swiftly to implement a new playoff structure, and commissioner Bud Selig announced the changes this morning. "The World Series will still be a best-of-seven series, and it will be between the Yankees and Red Sox." The commissioner went on to explain that "that's what would have happened anyway, duh".
NL clubs have banded together to file a protest, claiming that S&P has no authority to make such a decision. However, their protest is unlikely to gain traction, as a little-known amendment to the U.S. Constitution states that "Standard and Poor's shall carry jurisdiction over any ratings denoted by the letters 'A', 'B' or 'C', possibly including symbols up to and including '-' and/or '+'.
Reaction to the news has been swift and diverse, and has come from sources as varied as satirical newspaper The Onion. Jeff Harris, Public Relations Director, had this to say at a press conference: "I would just like to say, on behalf of all employees of The Onion, that this joke is super obvious. Twenty-nine different Onion writers thought of it independently, so obviously we didn't publish it. Too easy."
Bottom of the Fourth author Xave responded to the criticism on his blog, claiming that "HEY THE ONION, YOU'RE DOWNGRADED!!! I DOWNGRADE YOU!!!! YOU'RE A TRIPLE C NOW, HOW BOUT THAT HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAAAHAHHH"
S&P analyst John Keats said the move has been a long time coming, but the agency garnered the courage to go through with it after their controversial downgrade of the USA.
"It's been clear for at least 15 years that the National League fucking sucks," said Keats in a statement Wednesday morning, "'I dunno how it's taken us this long to officially acknowledge that fact."
Technical details of the demotion followed in a report released by S&P. National League clubs will be evenly distributed between the International and Pacific Coast leagues, the two current AAA leagues. This will mean that some clubs will even play regularly against their own AAA affiliate.
Additionally, NL clubs will no longer be eligible for the World Series. MLB has acted swiftly to implement a new playoff structure, and commissioner Bud Selig announced the changes this morning. "The World Series will still be a best-of-seven series, and it will be between the Yankees and Red Sox." The commissioner went on to explain that "that's what would have happened anyway, duh".
NL clubs have banded together to file a protest, claiming that S&P has no authority to make such a decision. However, their protest is unlikely to gain traction, as a little-known amendment to the U.S. Constitution states that "Standard and Poor's shall carry jurisdiction over any ratings denoted by the letters 'A', 'B' or 'C', possibly including symbols up to and including '-' and/or '+'.
Reaction to the news has been swift and diverse, and has come from sources as varied as satirical newspaper The Onion. Jeff Harris, Public Relations Director, had this to say at a press conference: "I would just like to say, on behalf of all employees of The Onion, that this joke is super obvious. Twenty-nine different Onion writers thought of it independently, so obviously we didn't publish it. Too easy."
Bottom of the Fourth author Xave responded to the criticism on his blog, claiming that "HEY THE ONION, YOU'RE DOWNGRADED!!! I DOWNGRADE YOU!!!! YOU'RE A TRIPLE C NOW, HOW BOUT THAT HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAAAHAHHH"
Monday, August 8, 2011
Blue Jays Sign 12-Week-Old Fetus
TORONTO (Bottom of the Fourth) - The Blue Jays under Alex Anthopoulos and John Farrell have made a point of trying to get "younger" and "more athletic" this season. A move announced by the club Monday morning will ensure they continue to move in the "younger" direction, at least. In a press conference, the club announced the first ever MLB signing of an unborn player, a 12-week-old unnamed fetus.
'Fete Rose', as the new signee is being called by fans and media, is said to have exceptional fast-twitch muscles for a fetus. Additionally, his growth pattern portends above-average plate discipline, according to the Blue Jays' prenatal scouting department.
Though many parties have been surprised by this announcement, none have been more so than the fetus' mother Emily Dickinson. "I didn't sign any contract," Dickinson commented to the media during a hypno-birthing class, "and I plan on fighting this thing. My lawyer says there's legal precedent for sports teams not being allowed to sign an unborn baby without the mother's consent."
Blue Jays lawyers are aware of this precedent, and plan on contesting this claim based on the fact that the fetus is young enough to not yet be considered a human being.
According to a source within the Blue Jays' organization, the club had fetal operatives working over the last several weeks to get this deal done without other teams, or the mother, finding out their intentions. Most of their work involved preparing the womb for the embryo to enter the fetal stage, creating welcoming conditions that would be conducive to making a long-term commitment to the organization.
"We had the place decked out in Blue Jays memorabilia, we had the 92-93 DVD playing non-stop, we had a gourmet buffet available 24/7, there was no way he could resist," commented tiny scout Alan Dempsey.
Alex Anthopoulos says this was a feat of scouting the likes of which has never been seen before, and that the club needs to keep going in new, unexplored directions if it hopes to compete with the Yankees and Red Sox. Though he was characteristically mum on the club's future plans, he did finish the press conference by dropping a tantalizing hint: "I still think we can go younger."